By Lucia D
Why do women date jerks? The answer to this question is
actually a lot more complicated than one might think. We
are going to have to blame Mother Nature for this seemingly
illogical behavior.
In his book “Sperm Wars”, Robin Baker says that humans are
biologically driven to ensure their genetic survival.
Males want to ensure that their genes inseminate; females
want to ensure that they are impregnated by the best
possible genes available. If you ask women what type of
guy they’re looking for, they’ll usually say they want
someone honest, faithful, ambitious, intelligent, etc.
However, this is not what they are usually attracted to.
Women are attracted to a man’s personality above all else,
and will use this as a measuring stick of his genetic
superiority or lack thereof.
A dominant male personality (jerks fall into this category)
is generally preferred over a male that is submissive
(otherwise known as a “wimp”). The former is sending an
unconscious message that he has great genes and is not
afraid of losing the woman by misbehaving. The latter is
sending a message that he doesn’t think his genes are good
enough, so he’ll put up with just about anything.
We also need to consider the “Triune Brain Theory”. In
1973, Dr. Paul MacLean, senior research scientist at the
National Institute of Mental Health, proposed that the
brain is made up of three subdivisions corresponding to
three evolutionary eras.
The first, most primal part of the brain is the reptilian.
It is responsible for mating and territorial behavior,
pecking order, defense, aggression and the emotions of
anger and fear.
The second part of the brain to develop was the limbic
brain. Love, sadness, jealousy and hope originate here.
It controls heartbeat, temperature, blood pressure and the
flow of neurotransmitters, all of which are affected by the
presence of someone we’re attracted to. Sexual stimuli
passes directly to it. It is impulsive and instinctual. It
is not receptive to reason and analysis. The newest part
of our brain, the neo-cortex, permits higher functions of
logic, thought, language, planning, reasoning and critical
judgement.
In “The Emotional Brain”, Joseph LeDoux points out that the
first two, older brains have a greater influence on the
neo-cortex than vice-versa, “making it possible for
emotional arousal to dominate and control thinking.
Although thoughts can easily trigger emotions we are not
very effective at turning emotions off.”
This means that the lower limbic system, which rules
emotions, can hijack the higher mental functions when it
needs to. It says, “You’ve found The One”. The neo-cortex
responds with, “Yes, but he seems to drink too much, I’ve
caught him lying and he doesn’t have a job.” The limbic
says, “I can live with that. He’s so handsome and it feels
so wonderful when I’m with him.”
You can see how even though a woman may say she wants a
nice guy, that is not necessarily who she is attracted to.
A great example of this is food. Do we make our choices
based on what’s good for us or on what tastes good? This
is what is happening when a woman chooses someone that
makes her feel good, but is not good for her.
The solution? Men need to find a happy medium between
being a bad guy and being a wimp. They can be strong and
take charge but they also need to know when to be more
sensitive and yielding. Women? They need to date a few
jerks to see that the emotional high they get from being
with them isn’t worth the pain and sadness that ultimately
ensues. Only then will they be able to turn the tables on
the limbic brain and make a logical choice.
About the Author:
Lucia is a dating/relationship expert, syndicated
columnist, author of Lucia’s Lessons of Love and host of
the TV Show “The Art of Love”. With over 20 years
experience on the relationship market, Lucia’s practical
know-how makes her the perfect candidate to dispense
relationship advice – after all, in almost every dating
dilemma she has been there, done that and lived to tell
about it.
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