You cannot imagine the number of times I have sat and listened to women cry with excruciating pain over being taken for granted after being in an unhealthy relationship, supporting an estranged lover financially. I have seen first-hand results of women walking around with broken hearts and empty wallets because of giving too much and not getting enough in return. In anguish they reflect, “I don’t understand what went wrong. I gave him everything I had. How could he have walked out on me after I took such good care of him?”

What is extremely unfortunate and sad in these cases is, the women feel that they have to earn a man’s love by buying it. They do not believe they are capable or worthy of being loved simply because of who they are, so they attempt to get the man’s love by what they can give—in this case it’s their hard-earned money.

Keep in mind, I’m not referring to a healthy give-and-take relationship where you help each other along the way; I’m talking about the unbalanced, lopsided loving, where the woman is the meal ticket for the type of guy who just sits around and plan how to get paid by always borrowing money from her and never paying back, or always “in-between” jobs, but never really working. The scheming gigolo gives decent men a rotten name and unsuspecting women a rotten game. This practice is more common than you can image. Many of the modern-day, macho gold-diggers openly admit, “Why should I sweat at a nine-to-five job when I can get a ‘Honey’ to dish out some money?”

To give you a deeper understanding and to make sure you never get fooled into paying for love, I’ve surveyed three hundred (300) women to find out what compelled them to pay for a man’s presence in their lives. Keep in mind, some of the women surveyed have been jilted by men they have kept in the past, and others are presently in relationships with men they are financially supporting. I received an interesting range of responses, but I have arranged them into four categories. Each of these personality types has either covertly or overtly persuaded the women to use finance to maintain his romance:

1. The Cover Boy. He is incredibly handsome. He is also referred to as a “pretty boy.” She is swept away by his exceptionally good looks. She enjoys the admiration other women bestow on him, and feels he is a prize to be won. In this case, she maintains him because he looks good on her arm—he is her trophy.

2. The Lover Boy. This personality type is usually a “roaming Romeo.” He is a lady’s man in the truest sense. He is very charming and smooth. It’s no secret that he has many women, but she wants to be the one woman who conforms or reforms him into monogamy. This gives her a sense of being number one and having the edge over the others. In this case, she maintains him because she feels special to be able to pry him away from other women—he is her ego booster.

3. The Joy Boy. If you looked in the dictionary under “sex appeal,” you would find this hunk described to the letter. He possesses a sensuous and natural animal magnetism. He is clean yet rugged, rude yet alluring. He is an intoxicating blend of fire and ice—with a mesmerizing sexual attraction that bids you “come hither.” In this case, she maintains him because he satisfies her sexually—he is her sex object.

4. The Toy Boy. He is much younger than she is. She feels privileged because with all the younger women out there, he has chosen to be with her. In most cases, the woman has had to work hard all her life and never had a chance to enjoy her own youth. He makes her feel as if she is making up for what she missed earlier. She feels rejuvenated, vital, and young again. In this case, she maintains him because he helps to recapture her youth—he is her fountain of youth.

If you’re in a “pay for play” unhealthy relationship where you are allowing yourself to be used as a cash-machine for a gigolo, stop fooling yourself that everything is hunky-dory. It won’t be when the “hunk-y” walks out the “door-y” and leaves you broke, alone, and sorry. Any time you have to pay a man to love you, no matter how subtle the payment, something is wrong. Take stock of yourself and place a high value on yourself. Realize that you deserve to have a compassionate and compatible man who thinks well enough of you to look out for your best interest—instead of one who tries to squeeze your finances dry like an orange in a juice extractor. Lose the user, and choose a champion because you deserve a healthy relationship!

About the Author: 

Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone, on-air staff psychologist for the former Queen Latifah TV show, is one of America’s foremost relationship consultants. She is an award-winning, bestselling author of ten popular books, including 10 Bad Choices, The Band-Aid Bond, The Sacred Bond and You Deserve Healthy Love, Sis! Dr. Grace is currently the popular relationship columnist for the London-based Pride magazine. For Dr. Grace Cornish healthy relationship books and healthy relationship CDs visit www.myhealthylove.com

Let me just start off by saying that how I met my love is a story for the record books!

Two years ago I had gotten myself in a little bit of trouble with the law. The consequences of that trouble resulted in me having to serve 78 days in the county jail. Going in to jail I wasn’t terrified, but instead lonely. I felt like I was going to die, being guy and sex deprived. Instead I did really well. I started to find out a little bit about myself. I never thought I would make friends in jail, but I in fact did. To this day I still talk to some of those girls, and hang out with a few of them. I never thought to this day that I would find my best friend and love of my life.

About 1/3 the way through my incarceration I met a girl who really understood me for me. I never thought I would befriend someone like her in jail and so quickly. After simply being friends for about two weeks we fell for each other hard and started a relationship. We couldn’t do too much because we were locked up, but we made the best of it. We ate our meals together, enjoyed each other’s company every chance we had. We even volunteered to clean just so we could be together.

My last day was July 20th. In court the judge told me I was going home. When I got back to the jail I couldn’t hold it together. I never thought it would be so hard to leave the friends you made. Being locked up, you become somewhat of a family. I said goodbye to my two roommates, but when it was time to say goodbye to my girlfriend, I wasn’t able to hold it together. Crazy as it sounds, I almost wanted to stay. I just told myself it would only be two more months till she got out and then we could be together. I can wait!

It was much harder than it sounds. For the next two months I wrote her almost every day. I even sent her 17 birthday cards for her 23rd birthday. Everything was going just as we had hoped and planned. About a week before she was to be released I started to get cold feet. I mean did I really want to be with another female. Well her release date came and I went to the jail to pick her up as planned. As fate would have it I wasn’t able to pick her up, because we got the times mixed up of when she would be let go. She called me as soon as she was out and we made plans to see each other.

I felt as though I was off the hook, I was scared to let her down to her face, so I just figured I would avoid her, which I did for the next two and a half months. In those next two months I started talking to other people. I even went as far as starting a relationship with another girl. This girl and I hit it off really well. Then, my ex from jail and I started talking and hanging out again. Just as I figured all my old feelings for her came rushing back. I even went as far as cheating on my current girlfriend.

I was getting in too deep. I had to do what my heart told me to do. So, this past February 12, I broke up with the current to start a new relationship with my ex. Although it hasn’t even been a month since we’ve been back together. I have never been more in love or happy with anyone. Yes I am barely 21, but I feel I have met the true love of my life. I wouldn’t trade my happiness now for all the money in the world.

“My husband and I have a great working relationship. He’s great
to the kids, he’s nice to me, he works hard on the house but he
isn’t very interested in getting to know me for who I really am.
Any exploration around personal growth is threatening to him.
Sometimes I feel so depressed to think I’ll spend the rest of my
life with this person when I want so much more, but there isn’t
anything wrong to point to as to why I would leave.”

Nellie was having her first phone counseling session with me.

The problem was that Nellie was discounting her deep need for
emotional intimacy – her deep need to know and be known, her
deep need for emotional connection. Stating that, “there isn’t
anything wrong to point to” indicated how little she understood
her need for emotional intimacy and connection.

For most people, emotional intimacy and connection is
absolutely necessary to thrive. So what does a person like
Nellie need to do when she has a children and she doesn’t want
to break up the family? What is she to do when she really needs
something that her husband in unwilling or unable to give to
her?

If Nellie wants to stay in her marriage, then she needs to
accept the lack of intimacy and have her personal growth
explorations elsewhere – with friends, groups, and workshops. It
is possible to accept a companionship relationship for the
raising of children. Many couples create excellent companionship
relationships when they are willing to let go of both physical
and emotional intimacy.

With Nellie, one of the problems was that her husband would get
angry and withdraw when she didn’t want to make love with him.
There was no way Nellie could feel turned on to her husband, Brad,
when there was no emotional intimacy – no sense of connection.
If Brad was willing to accept the lack of sexuality, then they
could make it work. But if he continued to get angry and
withdraw, then Nellie would have to explore other options.

If Nellie learns to take loving care of herself and stop buying
into Brad’s anger, then his controlling behavior would no longer
work for him. If she learned to get her emotional needs met
elsewhere and disengaged when Brad was acting like a needy
little boy, then his behavior might change. Or it might not.

If it doesn’t and if the anger and withdrawal, lack of intimacy
and the sexual pull is not acceptable and Nellie is willing to
leave, then she would need to let him know that and see if he
would be willing to open intimacy with her. I have had many husbands, who were dragged to one of my 5-Day Couples Intensives, really open and move beyond their fears of personal growth and emotional intimacy.

The first thing that needs to happen is that Nellie needs to
validate her need for connection and emotional intimacy,
especially in order to feel sexual. Once she stops feeling
guilty for how she feels and learns to take loving action on her
own behalf, then she can see what the reality of the situation
is. While Brad is afraid of intimacy and growth, he might be
even more afraid of losing Nellie. When he sees that his anger
and withdrawal no longer work to make her feel guilty and
responsible for him, he might decide to open up.

The only way that Nellie will know if Brad will open up or not is
to learn to take 100% responsibility for her own feelings and
needs. As long as she is trying to get Brad to change, she will
be stuck feeling unhappy. It is always well worth doing your inner
work to try to save a marriage, whatever the outcome. If the
marriage improves – great! If it doesn’t, you will have learned
what you needed to learn to not make the same mistakes in your
next relationship.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You” and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Phone sessions and a FREE Inner Bonding course are available at Inner Bonding.

So you broke up with your girlfriend and after a few weeks you wonder how to get your ex back? Well you are not alone, nor are you the first person who goes through this. But before you charge her and try to persuade her to get back together, maybe you should take a step back and relax a little before you make any rash decisions.

When I wanted to get back with my girlfriend, I took it one step at a time, and went through a process of self evaluation and decision. I recommend you do the same and this way you will know that your decisions were made on solid ground and not as primarily an emotional act.

Step 1 – Why do you want her back? You need to look deeper into yourself and decide why you’re thinking about how to get your ex back. Don’t rush this phase. It is important. If you’ll get to the bottom of things you may come to the conclusion that you don’t really love her, and that you want her back just because you’re lonely. In most cases, this is not a good enough reason to get back with your ex. It’s better you’ll get yourself a life and start living them without her. This step is very important and you must get to the bottom of why you really want her back.

Step 2 – What went wrong the first time? If you don’t determine what made the relationship breakup the first time, there is little chance you will survive a second time. Just think about it – let’s say she broke up with you because you were excessively jealous . If you get back together and you don’t change your behaviour, than you will surely break up again in a few weeks time. That’s why it’s important to see what went wrong and to commit to change that. Oh, and in most cases, the person who has to change is you…

Step 3 – Setting up a meeting. After you got through steps 1 and 2 and feel ready to make the effort, call her up and ask for a meeting. In most cases she will agree, especially if you’re relationship was significant. Talk about the soul search you’ve done and tell her what’s going to change from now on. Will it work? well, if she still has feelings for you, there is a good chance that it will. Life are not certain, we all do what we can.

Step 4 – Keep your word. If you decided to give this another chance, than you must keep your word and make an honest, ongoing effort to become the man you promised to be.

So how to get your ex back is not rocket science, just a process you can go through and with a bit of luck your ex will be able to see the effort you are dedicating to make the relationship work. Good Luck.

About The Author:

Dave Green is a dating expert. You can find his experiences posted at his how to get your ex back blog. Just follow along as he posts his thoughts about the subject, and learn how to apply them to your life.

In his book “Sperm Wars”, Robin Baker says that humans are
biologically driven to ensure their genetic survival.
Males want to ensure that their genes inseminate; females
want to ensure that they are impregnated by the best
possible genes available. If you ask women what type of
guy they’re looking for, they’ll usually say they want
someone honest, faithful, ambitious, intelligent, etc.
However, this is not what they are usually attracted to.
Women are attracted to a man’s personality above all else,
and will use this as a measuring stick of his genetic
superiority or lack thereof.

A dominant male personality (jerks fall into this category)
is generally preferred over a male that is submissive
(otherwise known as a “wimp”). The former is sending an
unconscious message that he has great genes and is not
afraid of losing the woman by misbehaving. The latter is
sending a message that he doesn’t think his genes are good
enough, so he’ll put up with just about anything.

We also need to consider the “Triune Brain Theory”. In
1973, Dr. Paul MacLean, senior research scientist at the
National Institute of Mental Health, proposed that the
brain is made up of three subdivisions corresponding to
three evolutionary eras.

The first, most primal part of the brain is the reptilian.
It is responsible for mating and territorial behavior,
pecking order, defense, aggression and the emotions of
anger and fear.

The second part of the brain to develop was the limbic
brain. Love, sadness, jealousy and hope originate here.
It controls heartbeat, temperature, blood pressure and the
flow of neurotransmitters, all of which are affected by the
presence of someone we’re attracted to. Sexual stimuli
passes directly to it. It is impulsive and instinctual. It
is not receptive to reason and analysis. The newest part
of our brain, the neo-cortex, permits higher functions of
logic, thought, language, planning, reasoning and critical
judgement.

In “The Emotional Brain”, Joseph LeDoux points out that the
first two, older brains have a greater influence on the
neo-cortex than vice-versa, “making it possible for
emotional arousal to dominate and control thinking.
Although thoughts can easily trigger emotions we are not
very effective at turning emotions off.”

This means that the lower limbic system, which rules
emotions, can hijack the higher mental functions when it
needs to. It says, “You’ve found The One”. The neo-cortex
responds with, “Yes, but he seems to drink too much, I’ve
caught him lying and he doesn’t have a job.” The limbic
says, “I can live with that. He’s so handsome and it feels
so wonderful when I’m with him.”

You can see how even though a woman may say she wants a
nice guy, that is not necessarily who she is attracted to.
A great example of this is food. Do we make our choices
based on what’s good for us or on what tastes good? This
is what is happening when a woman chooses someone that
makes her feel good, but is not good for her.

The solution? Men need to find a happy medium between
being a bad guy and being a wimp. They can be strong and
take charge but they also need to know when to be more
sensitive and yielding. Women? They need to date a few
jerks to see that the emotional high they get from being
with them isn’t worth the pain and sadness that ultimately
ensues. Only then will they be able to turn the tables on
the limbic brain and make a logical choice.

About the Author:

Lucia is a dating/relationship expert, syndicated
columnist, author of Lucia’s Lessons of Love and host of
the TV Show “The Art of Love”. With over 20 years
experience on the relationship market, Lucia’s practical
know-how makes her the perfect candidate to dispense
relationship advice – after all, in almost every dating
dilemma she has been there, done that and lived to tell
about it.