By Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone
You cannot imagine the number of times I have sat and listened to women cry with excruciating pain over being taken for granted after being in an unhealthy relationship, supporting an estranged lover financially. I have seen first-hand results of women walking around with broken hearts and empty wallets because of giving too much and not getting enough in return. In anguish they reflect, “I don’t understand what went wrong. I gave him everything I had. How could he have walked out on me after I took such good care of him?”
What is extremely unfortunate and sad in these cases is, the women feel that they have to earn a man’s love by buying it. They do not believe they are capable or worthy of being loved simply because of who they are, so they attempt to get the man’s love by what they can give—in this case it’s their hard-earned money.
Keep in mind, I’m not referring to a healthy give-and-take relationship where you help each other along the way; I’m talking about the unbalanced, lopsided loving, where the woman is the meal ticket for the type of guy who just sits around and plan how to get paid by always borrowing money from her and never paying back, or always “in-between” jobs, but never really working. The scheming gigolo gives decent men a rotten name and unsuspecting women a rotten game. This practice is more common than you can image. Many of the modern-day, macho gold-diggers openly admit, “Why should I sweat at a nine-to-five job when I can get a ‘Honey’ to dish out some money?”
To give you a deeper understanding and to make sure you never get fooled into paying for love, I’ve surveyed three hundred (300) women to find out what compelled them to pay for a man’s presence in their lives. Keep in mind, some of the women surveyed have been jilted by men they have kept in the past, and others are presently in relationships with men they are financially supporting. I received an interesting range of responses, but I have arranged them into four categories. Each of these personality types has either covertly or overtly persuaded the women to use finance to maintain his romance:
1. The Cover Boy. He is incredibly handsome. He is also referred to as a “pretty boy.” She is swept away by his exceptionally good looks. She enjoys the admiration other women bestow on him, and feels he is a prize to be won. In this case, she maintains him because he looks good on her arm—he is her trophy.
2. The Lover Boy. This personality type is usually a “roaming Romeo.” He is a lady’s man in the truest sense. He is very charming and smooth. It’s no secret that he has many women, but she wants to be the one woman who conforms or reforms him into monogamy. This gives her a sense of being number one and having the edge over the others. In this case, she maintains him because she feels special to be able to pry him away from other women—he is her ego booster.
3. The Joy Boy. If you looked in the dictionary under “sex appeal,” you would find this hunk described to the letter. He possesses a sensuous and natural animal magnetism. He is clean yet rugged, rude yet alluring. He is an intoxicating blend of fire and ice—with a mesmerizing sexual attraction that bids you “come hither.” In this case, she maintains him because he satisfies her sexually—he is her sex object.
4. The Toy Boy. He is much younger than she is. She feels privileged because with all the younger women out there, he has chosen to be with her. In most cases, the woman has had to work hard all her life and never had a chance to enjoy her own youth. He makes her feel as if she is making up for what she missed earlier. She feels rejuvenated, vital, and young again. In this case, she maintains him because he helps to recapture her youth—he is her fountain of youth.
If you’re in a “pay for play” unhealthy relationship where you are allowing yourself to be used as a cash-machine for a gigolo, stop fooling yourself that everything is hunky-dory. It won’t be when the “hunk-y” walks out the “door-y” and leaves you broke, alone, and sorry. Any time you have to pay a man to love you, no matter how subtle the payment, something is wrong. Take stock of yourself and place a high value on yourself. Realize that you deserve to have a compassionate and compatible man who thinks well enough of you to look out for your best interest—instead of one who tries to squeeze your finances dry like an orange in a juice extractor. Lose the user, and choose a champion because you deserve a healthy relationship!
About the Author:
Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone, on-air staff psychologist for the former Queen Latifah TV show, is one of America’s foremost relationship consultants. She is an award-winning, bestselling author of ten popular books, including 10 Bad Choices, The Band-Aid Bond, The Sacred Bond and You Deserve Healthy Love, Sis! Dr. Grace is currently the popular relationship columnist for the London-based Pride magazine. For Dr. Grace Cornish healthy relationship books and healthy relationship CDs visit www.myhealthylove.com