After going out on many, many first dates that year, I made a deal with myself to meet in person those last three men that I had been communicating with and then take myself off the “market” for a while to focus on other things. The first two were nice but there was no love connection made (to be honest, I can’t even remember one thing about either one of them).

The final guy that I was going to meet was someone who had written to me about a month prior. He sent me a nice opening email to which I promptly replied. But then a little while later sent me another “initial” email to which I replied with disgust that he had already contacted me and that he must not have been sincere in his first email since he was emailing me again (I had thought that he forgot that he contacted me already and was randomly contacting me again). Fortunately for me, he did not write ME off when he got my reply (it was pretty cutting). He simply realized that he had not received my original reply (which at the time was filtered through the dating service) and understood why I had been angry and wrote to me again explaining what had happened. I decided to give him a “second chance”.

We emailed back and forth a couple of times when he sent me his cell phone number to call him since he would not be able to check his email for about two weeks (he was driving a friend out to California). I gave him a call one night and left a message. Eventually we touched base when he returned from his trip and agreed to get together soon. That following Saturday we spoke and when he asked when I’d like to go out to dinner to which I replied “How about tonight?” I had just returned from visiting with family the week prior and had plans for a relaxing weekend at home catching up on laundry, etc. and thought it might be nice to have an early dinner with him and then come home to watch a movie (alone). I really did not think much of going out with him that night, especially since it was to be my last first date for a while…not thinking that it would actually be my last first date forever.

After I called my sister and left her a message about who I was going out with and what his cell phone number was in case I was kidnapped, my apartment intercom sounded his arrival. I met him downstairs at the apartment building’s front door (yes, I know it doesn’t sound safe that I had him meet me at my place of residence but I trusted my instincts). He brought me a plant instead of flowers (I did not know this at the time but he knew I was the “one” when he saw my pictures online and figured that a plant would last longer than flowers…I still have the plant after all these years – though it is slowly withering away). After having dinner at a restaurant around the corner for about 4 hours (the time just flew by as we ate and talked), he dropped me back home apologizing that while he would like to kiss me goodnight he wasn’t going to because he was just getting over a cold. I went to bed thinking that I had a nice time and hoped he’d call again but did not get my hopes up.

The next day while I was at a Mets game with some friends, he called to say he had a great time. We had agreed to get together later that week. On Monday, I came into work with an email from him waiting, asking me if it was later in the week yet. I responded that we could get together Tuesday night. We spent time together Tuesday night…then Wednesday night…then on Friday, he was going to take me for a ride out to New Jersey to pick something up (and to get me out of the city). On the way to his Jeep, he announced that we were having dinner with his Mom. I freaked out a little – I was certainly not prepared for that. Anyway, we had dinner with his Mom then he drove me back to my apartment in New York City. He spent the night since he was going to drive me to the airport the next morning (I was going to Hong Kong for a week for work).

Once I returned from my trip (him picking me up at the airport with a gift of a stuffed dog to keep me company at my apartment in New York when he was not there), we were inseparable…up until he got deployed to Iraq for Operation Enduring Freedom. Jeff was in the Army Reserve and when he first told me that I shrugged it off as nothing to worry about – when did the Army Reserve actually go off to war? Boy was I mistaken! He left right before Valentine’s Day in 2003 (about 5 ½ months from when we first met) and returned a few days before Christmas that same year. Throughout the year, we kept in touch with tons of letters, care packages and sporadic phone calls. It was not easy to be apart but it was easy to love and remain faithful to him since I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him by my side.

In the spring of 2004, Jeff proposed to me on a swing at a beach near my hometown on Long Island where, in the Fall of 2002 (after dating less than two months), I had mistakenly blurted out “I could marry you!” He started the proposal by jokingly repeating what I said the two years prior and added “No, really, I could marry you.” Then he knelt down in front of me while I was sitting on the swing with my nephew in my lap and asked me to marry him. Jeff and I were married on a sunny day in May of 2005. Later that year, we purchased our first home in Oakland, New Jersey. We recently celebrated our son’s first birthday in January and look forward to many more happy years by each other’s side.

You cannot imagine the number of times I have sat and listened to women cry with excruciating pain over being taken for granted after being in an unhealthy relationship, supporting an estranged lover financially. I have seen first-hand results of women walking around with broken hearts and empty wallets because of giving too much and not getting enough in return. In anguish they reflect, “I don’t understand what went wrong. I gave him everything I had. How could he have walked out on me after I took such good care of him?”

What is extremely unfortunate and sad in these cases is, the women feel that they have to earn a man’s love by buying it. They do not believe they are capable or worthy of being loved simply because of who they are, so they attempt to get the man’s love by what they can give—in this case it’s their hard-earned money.

Keep in mind, I’m not referring to a healthy give-and-take relationship where you help each other along the way; I’m talking about the unbalanced, lopsided loving, where the woman is the meal ticket for the type of guy who just sits around and plan how to get paid by always borrowing money from her and never paying back, or always “in-between” jobs, but never really working. The scheming gigolo gives decent men a rotten name and unsuspecting women a rotten game. This practice is more common than you can image. Many of the modern-day, macho gold-diggers openly admit, “Why should I sweat at a nine-to-five job when I can get a ‘Honey’ to dish out some money?”

To give you a deeper understanding and to make sure you never get fooled into paying for love, I’ve surveyed three hundred (300) women to find out what compelled them to pay for a man’s presence in their lives. Keep in mind, some of the women surveyed have been jilted by men they have kept in the past, and others are presently in relationships with men they are financially supporting. I received an interesting range of responses, but I have arranged them into four categories. Each of these personality types has either covertly or overtly persuaded the women to use finance to maintain his romance:

1. The Cover Boy. He is incredibly handsome. He is also referred to as a “pretty boy.” She is swept away by his exceptionally good looks. She enjoys the admiration other women bestow on him, and feels he is a prize to be won. In this case, she maintains him because he looks good on her arm—he is her trophy.

2. The Lover Boy. This personality type is usually a “roaming Romeo.” He is a lady’s man in the truest sense. He is very charming and smooth. It’s no secret that he has many women, but she wants to be the one woman who conforms or reforms him into monogamy. This gives her a sense of being number one and having the edge over the others. In this case, she maintains him because she feels special to be able to pry him away from other women—he is her ego booster.

3. The Joy Boy. If you looked in the dictionary under “sex appeal,” you would find this hunk described to the letter. He possesses a sensuous and natural animal magnetism. He is clean yet rugged, rude yet alluring. He is an intoxicating blend of fire and ice—with a mesmerizing sexual attraction that bids you “come hither.” In this case, she maintains him because he satisfies her sexually—he is her sex object.

4. The Toy Boy. He is much younger than she is. She feels privileged because with all the younger women out there, he has chosen to be with her. In most cases, the woman has had to work hard all her life and never had a chance to enjoy her own youth. He makes her feel as if she is making up for what she missed earlier. She feels rejuvenated, vital, and young again. In this case, she maintains him because he helps to recapture her youth—he is her fountain of youth.

If you’re in a “pay for play” unhealthy relationship where you are allowing yourself to be used as a cash-machine for a gigolo, stop fooling yourself that everything is hunky-dory. It won’t be when the “hunk-y” walks out the “door-y” and leaves you broke, alone, and sorry. Any time you have to pay a man to love you, no matter how subtle the payment, something is wrong. Take stock of yourself and place a high value on yourself. Realize that you deserve to have a compassionate and compatible man who thinks well enough of you to look out for your best interest—instead of one who tries to squeeze your finances dry like an orange in a juice extractor. Lose the user, and choose a champion because you deserve a healthy relationship!

About the Author: 

Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone, on-air staff psychologist for the former Queen Latifah TV show, is one of America’s foremost relationship consultants. She is an award-winning, bestselling author of ten popular books, including 10 Bad Choices, The Band-Aid Bond, The Sacred Bond and You Deserve Healthy Love, Sis! Dr. Grace is currently the popular relationship columnist for the London-based Pride magazine. For Dr. Grace Cornish healthy relationship books and healthy relationship CDs visit www.myhealthylove.com

Are you ready for real love? In this day and age of fast-paced and short-lived relationships, it’s challenging and many times difficult, to find good, solid, effective, and useful, information that helps to build healthy and long-lasting romantic relationships. Whether you’re single, married, divorced, or looking-to-be-married, these time-tested steps will help you and your current or future mate to create a long-lasting romantic bliss:

1) Always Be Your “True” Self

You are wonderfully and uniquely made by a loving Creator. If you find that you have to act or try to become someone you weren’t born to be, in order to fulfill someone else’s expectation, then something is seriously wrong. A true love will appreciate you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship, and vice-versa. If you feel as if you’re being pressured to alter your character to do things you wouldn’t usually do (drink, drugs, pre-mature sex, lie) so that the person will continue to see you, that’s a certain sign that things are unhealthy. Your true love will gladly embrace you just for who you are—so don’t be afraid, step out in faith and show your true self.

2) Develop Deep Communication with Each Other

A healthy relationship goes much deeper that a surface affair. Even though you may both look good arm-in-arm, or standing next to each other, whether at a concert, family reunion, Movie Theater, or at church, can you talk when you’re alone? What’s going on in your conversations—are they deep and meaningful or surface and bland? Do you discuss personal hopes, dreams and goals, or just talk about the weather and the plot to the latest drama? Can you count on each other to lend a listening ear, good advice, and undivided attention?

Good, honest, and deep conversation will keep you deeply connected. When in doubt, talk it out. Always keep the lines of communication open in your relationship.

3) Don’t Ignore, but Explore Your Differences

Do your personalities blend well? Is one of you on the optimistic path while the other is on the pessimistic side of the road? Opposites may initially attract, but eventually they can repel each other. It’s important that your personalities are compatible.

If one views life through rose colored glasses, while the other is always singing-the-blues, then you have to make some sort of adjustment to accommodate each other. The simple truth is oil and vinegar make an excellent salad dressing, but they don’t mix well in romantic relationships, unless both personalities can explore each other and find some sort of balance. If you can adjust and love each other’s personalities, regardless of any differences, and bring out the best when you’re together, then this is a winning combo, and you could very well be a dynamic-duo in a life-long healthy relationship.

4) Share Similar Interest and Values

You don’t have to have the exact interests. As a matter of fact, having diverse preferences can help you to share new and exciting things with each other. However, make sure you have at least a few common interests, so it won’t be an ongoing battle over what to do and where to go to keep you both satisfied. You may have to compromise in some areas like sports, politics, movies, shopping, music, etc. Keep in mind that compromising doesn’t mean depriving each other of their individual interests but instead it means participating in each other’s interests.

5) Discuss Your Spiritual Beliefs Together

If you’re not on common ground with your beliefs about who and what God means to each of you, this will eventually cause a rift in your relationship. Don’t try to conceal your true beliefs and hope that it will all just one day fall in place—it won’t. Make sure you talk about your faith honestly and openly with each other. There’s a wise adage that states, “The couple that prays together, stays together.”

6) Appreciate Each Other’s Unique Body Temple

Let’s face it, we’re all built differently. We come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and shades. In order to have a healthy physical and emotional relationship, you must embrace and appreciate each other’s total package. One of the worse things a couple can do to each other is to fantasize or try to fit their mate into someone else’s body image. When you throw away preconceived “ideal body type” perceptions, you’ll enjoy the true worth of your partner.

I remember years ago, one of my college friends, Nicolette, a five-foot-eight-inch, former beauty queen, adamantly refused to date any man under the six-foot mark. Her preconceived idea of the “ideal match” was “an athletic hunk who would be paid well for playing ball—footfall, basketball, or baseball would qualify him—as long as he had the height, the muscles, and the billfold.”

Well, after a whole lot of heartbreaks, shallow relationships, and a completely new outlook on life, she eagerly reports that she has been very happily married to a five-foot-five-inch dentist for over five years and “has since been blessed with two wonderful children to complete her healthy marriage.”

Nicolette would have missed out on the love of her life had she remained stuck with false perceptions. Don’t let this happen to you. Admire, appreciate, and enjoy your companion’s body temple.

7) Talk About “The S-&M Factor” (Sex & Money)

Two of the biggest destroyers of healthy relationships are the misuse, abuse, lack of or over-use of sex and money (the S & M Factor). Both are very important and very personal in your love life. Yet, unfortunately, most couples make the mistake of not setting quality time aside early in their relationship to discuss these two vital components. To put it bluntly, “You’ve got to know where you’re heading, before you get to the bedding; and know what you’re spending before it gets beyond mending.”

In deep romantic relationships, there is a world of difference between “having sex” and “making love,” just as there is a major difference between being “involved” and “being in love.” The misuse of sex, just like the misuse of money, causes major turbulence in relationships. These can be dangerous influences which overwhelm your relationship; or they can be healthy tools for intimacy and success. It’s up to both you and your partner to know what sex and money means to each of you, and to make sure that you share your beliefs and feelings with each other. Otherwise, both the sex and money issues can become major conflicts which will destroy even the deepest love.

8 ) Try to Get Along With Each Other’s Friends-n-Families

Although your happiness ultimately depends on how well the two of you get along with each other, some input from loved ones can be frosting on the cake. Do you have a healthy interaction with each other’s close associates? Make sure you ask some supportive family members and/or dear friends their opinion about your choice in mate. If the advice is not what you want to hear, examine it closely, evaluate the source, pray about it, and make up your own mind anyway. Make sure you also meet your mate’s family and closest friends, and discreetly observe their interactions with each other. Look if there is any dysfunctional family pattern that you need to address and get help with. There is a wise old saying, “Show me your company, I’ll tell you who you are.” Chances are, if your partner has a healthy interaction with loved ones, you will also get the same treatment—and so much more!

9) Stay Away From Negative People

It’s important to make a special note here, that although the interactions of relatives and friends can be a plus in building a healthy relationship, some, unfortunately, can also be a minus. If you face unhealthy interference and discouragement from loved ones because of their personal insecurities, don’t let them have any influence in your relationship. Both you and your mate must be on the same page and decide to keep negative people out of your personal love life in order to love and grow together in a harmonious, healthy relationship.

10) Learn to Laugh Together

This one doesn’t need much explanation—if there’s no joy, there’s very little hope. Laughter keeps love alive. Find something that you can both get a good hearty laugh from. Here’s a little secret that works wonders: A good sense of humor and a pleasant disposition has a magnetic attraction that makes people always want to be in your presence. How can that special person resist your gorgeous smile and sparkling eyes? Go ahead, laugh a bit—have fun and enjoy!

There you have it—the practical, useful and effective steps that will surely enhance your current or future relationship. You deserve to have an enjoyable, exciting, and loving healthy relationship with someone who loves you, just for who you are. You are worth it!

About the Author:

Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone, on-air staff psychologist for the former Queen Latifah TV show, is one of America’s foremost relationship consultants. She is an award-winning, bestselling author of ten popular books, including 10 Bad Choices, The Band-Aid Bond, The Sacred Bond and You Deserve Healthy Love, Sis! Dr. Grace is currently the popular relationship columnist for the London-based Pride magazine. For Dr. Grace’s relationship books and visit www.hopenetinc.org or www.myhealthylove.com

The odds are good that you have seen those people who seem to
magically draw people to them. They always seem to have a date
or someone who wants to date them. You’re not alone. Many
people feel like everyone else is more successful in love than
they are. It has less to do with physical appearance, your
bank account, and being outgoing than you would think. It’s
often more about using the positive energy in your life to
fulfill every aspect of your life including the romantic
element.

You are probably wondering what all of this energy talk is all
about. You have heard of the ancient Chinese philosophy of
Feng Shui. It revolves around the concept of creating a space,
your home, that encourages the flow of positive chi. It affects
every aspect of your life in a good way if done correctly.
This isn’t to say that every person with a successful love life
uses Feng Shui, but it certainly won’t hurt to encourage some
good vibes to come your way in the love department. After all,
we all want to become a magnet for love.

So how does one go about using Feng Shui to become a love
magnet? The first step is pretty unexciting, but it does get
better. You will need to focus on the bedroom since you are
looking for romantic love. Cleaning the room from top to
bottom is an essential step that can’t be overlooked. Just
because no one gets into your closet or looks under the bed
doesn’t mean you can ignore those areas. They are important
too. Get rid of things you no longer use or need. They create
a hindrance to the flow of good energy. While you are clearing
things out that you don’t need, this is also a good time to get
rid of any reminders of old flames. You don’t want that past
energy infecting any future or current relationship. If you
don’t want to throw them out at least get them out of the
bedroom. Make space for your new love interest in the closet,
leaving some hangers empty and clear out a drawer of the
dresser. This will encourage the arrival of someone new.

Now that all of the things left behind from your old love life
is out of the room and you have a clean slate to start with,
take a good hard look at your bed. With any kind of luck, your
bed is no larger than a queen. A king sized bed is a hindrance
to the natural intimacy that you are looking for. With the
correct sized bed in place, you are well on your way to using
Feng Shui to become a love magnet of huge proportions, or at
least to the proportion that will find you a significant other.
Consider the placement of the bed in the room as well. There
should be room to walk on either side of it. If not, it isn’t
very welcoming to a new lover and the positive energy will be
less efficient at moving about the space.

Still dealing with the bed, your choice of bedding is very
important in regards to Feng Shui as well. Just like every
book or article you have ever read about love and finding Mr.
or Ms. Right says, your bedding should reflect your desire for
intimacy and romance. Think about using satins, silks, or a
high quality all cotton sheet set that invites touching and
romance. Of equal importance, you should also look for a
comforter that is soft and comfortable to lounge on.

The color of your decor is vitally important as well. Without looking
like a product of Hallmark, you can create a romantic look that
still fits in with your personal style. If pink, white, and red
aren’t your idea of good decorating colors, try using them as
accents or in different tones, like salmon or coral. Make your
bedroom a haven even when it is just you in it. Use plenty of
throw pillows on the bed to create the perfect place for
relaxation. The rest, and the new partner, are sure to follow
soon with all of the positive energy you have created.

Another thing to remember when you explore the new world of
Feng Shui and becoming a love magnet is to pay attention to the
photos you display in your bedroom. Keep pictures of the kids
or other family members in another room. There isn’t anything
sexy about children’s pictures or photos of dear old mom and
dad. Place those in the living or family rooms. Instead
display paintings and prints of happy couples or inviting
scenery. It is important to always have artwork depicting two
items.

Feng Shui can help you turn into a love magnet in no time.
Before you know it, you’ll be looking to this ancient practice
to further enhance your new found relationship.

About The Author:

Candace Czarny, ASID,CFM,LEED AP, “Award Winning” Interior Designer Feng Shui Expert is continually ranked Top 10 in Google and Yahoo. Clients testify of dramatic results!

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