Internet Love Stories

I was living and working in Manhattan back in August of 2002. I did not enjoy the “bar scene” and was not meeting quality people to date any other way so I decided to try out online dating - with the idea that I’d meet some great people and have a good time while waiting for Mr. Right to come along (not actually thinking that I’d meet him via an online dating service.)

After going out on many, many first dates that year, I made a deal with myself to meet in person those last three men that I had been communicating with and then take myself off the “market” for a while to focus on other things. The first two were nice but there was no love connection made (to be honest, I can’t even remember one thing about either one of them).

The final guy that I was going to meet was someone who had written to me about a month prior. He sent me a nice opening email to which I promptly replied. But then a little while later sent me another “initial” email to which I replied with disgust that he had already contacted me and that he must not have been sincere in his first email since he was emailing me again (I had thought that he forgot that he contacted me already and was randomly contacting me again). Fortunately for me, he did not write ME off when he got my reply (it was pretty cutting). He simply realized that he had not received my original reply (which at the time was filtered through the dating service) and understood why I had been angry and wrote to me again explaining what had happened. I decided to give him a “second chance”.

We emailed back and forth a couple of times when he sent me his cell phone number to call him since he would not be able to check his email for about two weeks (he was driving a friend out to California). I gave him a call one night and left a message. Eventually we touched base when he returned from his trip and agreed to get together soon. That following Saturday we spoke and when he asked when I’d like to go out to dinner to which I replied “How about tonight?” I had just returned from visiting with family the week prior and had plans for a relaxing weekend at home catching up on laundry, etc. and thought it might be nice to have an early dinner with him and then come home to watch a movie (alone). I really did not think much of going out with him that night, especially since it was to be my last first date for a while…not thinking that it would actually be my last first date forever.

After I called my sister and left her a message about who I was going out with and what his cell phone number was in case I was kidnapped, my apartment intercom sounded his arrival. I met him downstairs at the apartment building’s front door (yes, I know it doesn’t sound safe that I had him meet me at my place of residence but I trusted my instincts). He brought me a plant instead of flowers (I did not know this at the time but he knew I was the “one” when he saw my pictures online and figured that a plant would last longer than flowers…I still have the plant after all these years – though it is slowly withering away). After having dinner at a restaurant around the corner for about 4 hours (the time just flew by as we ate and talked), he dropped me back home apologizing that while he would like to kiss me goodnight he wasn’t going to because he was just getting over a cold. I went to bed thinking that I had a nice time and hoped he’d call again but did not get my hopes up.

The next day while I was at a Mets game with some friends, he called to say he had a great time. We had agreed to get together later that week. On Monday, I came into work with an email from him waiting, asking me if it was later in the week yet. I responded that we could get together Tuesday night. We spent time together Tuesday night…then Wednesday night…then on Friday, he was going to take me for a ride out to New Jersey to pick something up (and to get me out of the city). On the way to his Jeep, he announced that we were having dinner with his Mom. I freaked out a little – I was certainly not prepared for that. Anyway, we had dinner with his Mom then he drove me back to my apartment in New York City. He spent the night since he was going to drive me to the airport the next morning (I was going to Hong Kong for a week for work).

Once I returned from my trip (him picking me up at the airport with a gift of a stuffed dog to keep me company at my apartment in New York when he was not there), we were inseparable…up until he got deployed to Iraq for Operation Enduring Freedom. Jeff was in the Army Reserve and when he first told me that I shrugged it off as nothing to worry about – when did the Army Reserve actually go off to war? Boy was I mistaken! He left right before Valentine’s Day in 2003 (about 5 ½ months from when we first met) and returned a few days before Christmas that same year. Throughout the year, we kept in touch with tons of letters, care packages and sporadic phone calls. It was not easy to be apart but it was easy to love and remain faithful to him since I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him by my side.

In the spring of 2004, Jeff proposed to me on a swing at a beach near my hometown on Long Island where, in the Fall of 2002 (after dating less than two months), I had mistakenly blurted out “I could marry you!” He started the proposal by jokingly repeating what I said the two years prior and added “No, really, I could marry you.” Then he knelt down in front of me while I was sitting on the swing with my nephew in my lap and asked me to marry him. Jeff and I were married on a sunny day in May of 2005. Later that year, we purchased our first home in Oakland, New Jersey. We recently celebrated our son’s first birthday in January and look forward to many more happy years by each other’s side.

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By Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone

You cannot imagine the number of times I have sat and listened to women cry with excruciating pain over being taken for granted after being in an unhealthy relationship, supporting an estranged lover financially. I have seen first-hand results of women walking around with broken hearts and empty wallets because of giving too much and not getting enough in return. In anguish they reflect, “I don’t understand what went wrong. I gave him everything I had. How could he have walked out on me after I took such good care of him?”

What is extremely unfortunate and sad in these cases is, the women feel that they have to earn a man’s love by buying it. They do not believe they are capable or worthy of being loved simply because of who they are, so they attempt to get the man’s love by what they can give—in this case it’s their hard-earned money.

Keep in mind, I’m not referring to a healthy give-and-take relationship where you help each other along the way; I’m talking about the unbalanced, lopsided loving, where the woman is the meal ticket for the type of guy who just sits around and plan how to get paid by always borrowing money from her and never paying back, or always “in-between” jobs, but never really working. The scheming gigolo gives decent men a rotten name and unsuspecting women a rotten game. This practice is more common than you can image. Many of the modern-day, macho gold-diggers openly admit, “Why should I sweat at a nine-to-five job when I can get a ‘Honey’ to dish out some money?”

To give you a deeper understanding and to make sure you never get fooled into paying for love, I’ve surveyed three hundred (300) women to find out what compelled them to pay for a man’s presence in their lives. Keep in mind, some of the women surveyed have been jilted by men they have kept in the past, and others are presently in relationships with men they are financially supporting. I received an interesting range of responses, but I have arranged them into four categories. Each of these personality types has either covertly or overtly persuaded the women to use finance to maintain his romance:

1. The Cover Boy. He is incredibly handsome. He is also referred to as a “pretty boy.” She is swept away by his exceptionally good looks. She enjoys the admiration other women bestow on him, and feels he is a prize to be won. In this case, she maintains him because he looks good on her arm—he is her trophy.

2. The Lover Boy. This personality type is usually a “roaming Romeo.” He is a lady’s man in the truest sense. He is very charming and smooth. It’s no secret that he has many women, but she wants to be the one woman who conforms or reforms him into monogamy. This gives her a sense of being number one and having the edge over the others. In this case, she maintains him because she feels special to be able to pry him away from other women—he is her ego booster.

3. The Joy Boy. If you looked in the dictionary under “sex appeal,” you would find this hunk described to the letter. He possesses a sensuous and natural animal magnetism. He is clean yet rugged, rude yet alluring. He is an intoxicating blend of fire and ice—with a mesmerizing sexual attraction that bids you “come hither.” In this case, she maintains him because he satisfies her sexually—he is her sex object.

4. The Toy Boy. He is much younger than she is. She feels privileged because with all the younger women out there, he has chosen to be with her. In most cases, the woman has had to work hard all her life and never had a chance to enjoy her own youth. He makes her feel as if she is making up for what she missed earlier. She feels rejuvenated, vital, and young again. In this case, she maintains him because he helps to recapture her youth—he is her fountain of youth.

If you’re in a “pay for play” unhealthy relationship where you are allowing yourself to be used as a cash-machine for a gigolo, stop fooling yourself that everything is hunky-dory. It won’t be when the “hunk-y” walks out the “door-y” and leaves you broke, alone, and sorry. Any time you have to pay a man to love you, no matter how subtle the payment, something is wrong. Take stock of yourself and place a high value on yourself. Realize that you deserve to have a compassionate and compatible man who thinks well enough of you to look out for your best interest—instead of one who tries to squeeze your finances dry like an orange in a juice extractor. Lose the user, and choose a champion because you deserve a healthy relationship!

About the Author: 

Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone, on-air staff psychologist for the former Queen Latifah TV show, is one of America’s foremost relationship consultants. She is an award-winning, bestselling author of ten popular books, including 10 Bad Choices, The Band-Aid Bond, The Sacred Bond and You Deserve Healthy Love, Sis! Dr. Grace is currently the popular relationship columnist for the London-based Pride magazine. For Dr. Grace Cornish healthy relationship books and healthy relationship CDs visit www.myhealthylove.com

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