Internet Love Stories

Have you ever noticed that the world’s biggest and most famous love stories never have happy ends? Take Romeo and Juliet. Take Rose and Jack in Titanic, or Tristan and Isolde. Yes, there are way enough examples of two people loving each other but not having the possibility of being together. It’s not fair, right? In any way, I never thought I would ever feel like Juliet…or Rose. Or Isolde, for that matter. Well, in my case, it’s not death that seperates us and  it isn’t our families, either. No. In my case, it’s the distance.

But first of all, let me tell you all this from the very beginning on…his name is Lee, and I remember the exact day when we got to know each other; a day that I will always keep in mind: the 8th April 2007. It was coincidence (or shall I dare saying destiny?) how we met; it was coincidence (destiny) that I found his e-mail address on a site he’d registered on to meet new people on the net. On the net! I never thought that exactly that was going to keep us apart. The internet, the distance.

Lee lives in England, I live in Luxembourg. And I’ve got to say, I never thought that such a “relation” could be possible over distance. But I was wrong. For Lee and me, it is sort of special. We’re both individuals, very different from each other, but we complement each other so well. It’s hard to describe. The first three things I noticed about Lee were that he’s good to talk to, that he’s trustworthy, and that he has a really awesome humour.

Three things that are really important to me. But most important of all…he was there. Not literally…but he was always there for me, in spite of the distance. When I wasn’t feeling well, when I was sad, when I was upset and complaining…when everyone else would’ve stopped caring, Lee didn’t. Lee listened patiently to everything I said, for hours. He gave me advices, cheered me up, calmed me down. I told him about my past, my worries, my inferiority complexes, and he just listened and didn’t seem to care when it was 3 in the morning. And he did make me feel better.

It might sound weird, maybe it sounds even completely insane…but when we had those long, private, deep conversations, there was no distance; he was right with me, he was so close. Lee has always managed to make me laugh until that I have tears of laughter in my eyes. Like I said, he has an awesome humour that is difficult to understand or to accept for some people.Well, when I noticed that I only smiled when I talked to him on MSN and that I went crazy when I couldn’t talk to him, I also realized that this was way more than just a good friendship. I had fallen in love with Lee. I knew it would be too complicated, so I tried to hide it for months and to carry on as if nothing had happened. But the truth just didn’t leave and it got more and more unsupportable for me each day.

So one night, I worked up all my courage and I told him about my feelings. That moment was an awful one, because I really thought I was going to lose him over that. I thought he might think I’ve lost all my sanity. I thought he might say that this just couldn’t be possible. Falling in love over internet is quite critical after all. I really doubted he would ever want something to do with me again.But luckily I was wrong. Lee reacted in such an awesome way. He said we both felt better now that it was out, and that he absolutely wanted to stay friends with me. He said he liked me as a friend but didn’t want a girlfriend at the time.  But he also cared about how I felt about this and told me not to feel guilty whatsoever because we won’t be together. Well, it wasn’t a positive answer, not the one I would’ve dreamed of. But it was a better one than I had expected.

Plus, I NEVER expected him to love me back. So, we tried to let it shoot over us and just move on as usual. He could, but it was very difficult for me.

Then something changed. I started dating some blokes, tried to get my mind off Lee, tried to fall out of love. And he got weird towards me. Suddenly he started cold-shouldering me. It was like talking to a totally different person. The Lee who’d comforted me, calmed me, made me laugh, that I trusted blindly just started belonging to the past. Back then I didn’t know why. He hardly talked to me. And I had no clue what was wrong. I asked him a few times, and soon we started argueing all the time because I told him I had the feeling he was trying to avoid me. I couldn’t accept that he had less time. Even worse, he thought I wasn’t grateful for everything he’d done for me; he was angry because I complained about him not liking me.

One night, we had a terrible row. Lee said he was past caring now that I was questioning our entire friendship, the entire past 6 months we had gotten on so well. We thought it might be better not to keep in touch, well, we didn’t think that actually. But it happened.Lee and me didn’t speak to each other anymore. It was such an awful time for me. At first, I felt kind of free, though. Freed out of that virtual world…I saw the world with new eyes.

But after some time, I realized that something was missing. Something, someone I just couldn’t make it without anymore. And that was Lee. When I laughed, it wasn’t the same anymore. When I cried, it wasn’t the same either. When I was on MSN and saw that he was online without talking to me, I died a hundred times.I felt kind of empty without him. I felt as if a part of me had disappeared. Well, both of us are very stubborn, but after a month or two, I decided to forget about my stubborness for once and make it up to him, because the last thing I wanted was to lose that friendship.

Well, at the beginning we struggled getting along with each other because of all that had happened, but I suppose our friendship was strong enough to hold despite of quite some stuff, and somehow we made it. Our friendship got better and better,  and I was happy.

Happy for having such a wonderful friend.

But one day I noticed something fundamental, something that I didn’t want to notice over all those months: there was only one boy for me and no one else mattered.Well, the thing is, Lee is really one of a kind. He’s a bit special, let me put it that way. He likes joking around a lot, sometimes he makes fun of things you just don’t make fun of, and sometimes he just says the wrong things. A lot of people told me how dumb he was, told me to forget about him, and well, I had tried. It’s true.

I’ve called him an idiot so many times, told him to bugger off; on some days I really hated him and felt like slapping him right in the face…but what am I supposed to do when I realize that I’ve loved him through it all?

When I realize that the other people just don’t have a clue? They don’t. They just can’t imagine what it’s like between Lee and me. They don’t know what we’ve been through. But I, I won’t forget that he’s the one who’s always been there for me when others weren’t. I won’t forget the fact that he makes me laugh, that he makes my day when I feel down.

But most of all, I won’t forget about this trust. There’s hardly anyone I tell as much as I tell Lee. Lee said himself once: “I am your diary.” - It’s true. Once he said he’d like to read my diary, but there’s no point - he knows everything anyway.

Well, apart from one thing of course. That I love him again. Maybe he does know, I tell him from time to time, but somehow I’ve got the feeling that he takes it all for a big joke. How the hell am I supposed to know if he never ever shows his feelings?

Maybe I’m ‘only’ a good friend for him. And our friendship means the world to me, it does. It’s a really really strong friendship that resisted so much already. It resisted when I got on his nerves or when he got on mine…all the time. When I told him I love him the first time. It also resisted when we had all our rows, when we didn’t speak to each other for over a month. It resisted through all the times I hated him. And through all the times I’ve loved him.

Basically, we’ve been to hell and back again, but through it all, he’s always been my best friend. And even more than that. If only I was with him…and there it is again: the fundamental problem I talked about before: the distance.

But probably, we’ll never meet. I’m taking my final exams this year, planning to go to University in England in July 2009. Which is exactly the time when Lee plans to join the army. The timing couldn’t be worse. And that makes me very very sad. I’ve imagined so often what it would be like if we lived in the same town. We could meet up as often as we wanted to. We would probably be even better friends than we are now. And probably we would’ve been long together.

The distance gets more and more unbearable each day…but will we ever have the opportunity to look into each others eyes? Will I ever have the opportunity to hold him in my arms?If this is a story like Romeo and Juliet, I suppose not.

….To be continued?!?….

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In the summer of 1999, when I was just 13 years old, my mother and father bought a new computer that allowed us to access the internet. My mum made herself a yahoo email account and started talking to people in chat rooms online. With school out for 6 weeks I was mid way through another intensely boring summer break in London. Desperate for a way to pass the time, my mother made me and email account of my own under the name Copperkittengirl. She showed me how to go online and talk to other children from places all over the world and I loved it. I made a few friends who I would talk to occasionally but most of my time was spent singing over the microphone I had plugged into my computer. One day I was happily chatting online, singing my little heart out to anyone who was listening, when a young boy under the chat name Sniper_030 messaged me telling me i had a lovely voice. We started talking and I soon found out he was also 13 years old and from Texas USA.

We talked for what seemed like all day, until my mother pulled me off of the computer in the middle of the night, but we exchanged emails and arranged to talk again the next day. So we did, everyday for the rest of the summer. We would talk for aslong as our differing time zones would allow. I would stay up all night one day, and he would stay up all night the next day. We shared everything, dreams, interests, troubles, I felt an extremely strong fondness for this person, yet I had never met him, I didnt even know what he looked like!

We returned to school but continued emailing every day and talking every weekend. I would jump out of bed half an hour early every morning just to email him and rush home from school at 3pm knowing there would be an email waiting for me in reply. I had butterfly’s in my stomach every time, egarly waiting to see what he had written and what new things I would learn about my american friend today. A few months had passed since we met and we decided to airmail eachother pictures as this was long before the days of digital camera’s. We exchanged addresses and wrote eachother a letter accompanied by some photographs. He recieved mine first, I was so nervous that he would think I was ugly and stop talking to me, I was small with bright red hair and pale skin, a combination that was nothing short of a curse in high school. A few weeks later I recieved his letter. My mum woke me up saying, “Gemma, theres a letter here from america for you”. I distinctly remember my heart nearly exploading and i’m sure I made it out of bed in record time. I opened the package and couldnt believe my eyes, he was gorgeous! not that it really even mattered, I had grown so fond of my new friend that nothing would have stopped me tlaking to him. I felt my heart melt when I saw his pictures, followed by a moment of sadness that the only boy in the world who truely appreciated me, was so far away.

I had never had a boyfriend, I had crushes on people in school but, I never had much interest in the opposite sex, unlike all my friends. I was too busy dancing or singing for that. One day however, I was at a friends sleepover and everybody was discussing there latest ‘crush’. I had breifly spoken about my electronic pen friend from the states before, but for the most part, I had kept him to myself. At that moment I realised I had an incredibly jittery feeling every time he entered my head, or maybe because he never left my head. I admitted to my friends that I couldnt stop thinking about him and met a mixed reaction from “ohhh thats so sweet” to “dream on, he’s in america, its not like you’ll ever meet”. Essentially they all thought I was a crazy little kid with my head in the clouds. Maybe I was, but I would dream every day of meeting my friend, that maybe somehow we would suprise everyone. He was special to me, and despite all the negative words, I wasnt willing to give up on that ‘what if’.

By the time we were nearly 16 we had drifted alittle, I was constantly going to dance classes and we were occupied with other ‘real life’ destractions, eventually we lost contact. I never stopped thinking about him, he would pop into my head and I would feel disspaointed in myself for not making more effort to email him and stay in touch, but we never forgot. So when I was 17, I randomly emailed ‘Sniper’ to see if he would reply. Sure enough a few days later I got a message back, and before we knew it we were talking online catching up and sharing all the new experiences we had with eachother. I felt like I was 13 all over again, and I remembered exactly why I loved this boy so much, and vowed I would never let him slip out of my life again, even if we were only ever destined to be life long internet companions.

We continued talking for the next 5 years, some weeks more than others. We helped eachother through breaks ups, family troubles, everything that we went through we shared with the other person, he knew everything about me. By the time I was 19 years old I had been with a couple of boyfriends, failed experiences. Everytime I talked to ‘Nick’ I felt a growing need to tell him how I really felt about him. I had always been to scared to tell him I thought he was gorgeous and that on some level I was sure, somehow, I loved him. Eventually, with alittle help from Nicks friend, we ended up admitting how we felt, I told him I loved him and he said the same back, it didnt change anything, we still couldnt be together, we were an ocean apart and neither of us had money to visit the other. But we knew how we felt and for the time being it was enough. Just to know I had him there and that he felt the same, settled me.

We continued with our lives, persued more doomed relationships, shared more experiences. Until at the beginning of 2008, I recieved some unexpected financial help. I wasnt sure what to do with the money, I decorated my bedroom, bought some new clothes, and just pondered my possibilities. Till one night when I was talking to Nick online, I told him I was coming to Texas, if he would have me. As soon as I said it I felt sick, nervous, worried, scared. I remember thinking, oh my goodness Gemma did you mean that! what are you going to do now? We had idley talked of meeting up before, even attempted arranging it but nothing had ever come through, so I am sure at that point neither me or Nick were truely convinced it would actually happen. Nick seemed reluctant to pick me up from the airport 3 hours from his home and I was petrified of flying alone. But something happened, something clicked, Nick decided he would make the drive to the airport and said “lets do this”. I nearly fell of my chair, but his confidence gave me confidence and I booked a flight, dragging my best friend Selina with me for the ride.

We had to visit during spring break, which was only 3 days away, so from the moment we booked our flight, there wasnt much oppertunity for everything to sink in. It wasnt untill I was on the plane to Houston, I remember turning to Selina and saying “Sel, im going to meet Nick!” and im sure thats the moment it hit me. I was hyperactive in the airport, fiddling with my hair, trying not to freak out so bad that I was carted off by security. It seemed to take an age to get through passport control and im sure the immigration officer thought I was on drugs because I was so excited. Consumed by nerves as I walked out of the airport with my luggage, I scanned round to look for Nick, praying to god that I would recognise him in person! Then there he was, strolling up to me in his white T and Corona cap. I totally froze, I didnt know what to say or do, hug? hand shake? smile? help!…..

I barely remember what words came out of my mouth, all that I could think about was, thats Nick, after nearly 10 years, your in Texas, and he is real. He was quiet for the ride home, talking to his 2 friends who joined him to pick us up. I think we were both alittle shocked to be honest, but it didnt take long, that night when everyone was asleep, we sat on his couch, talking, for the first time in person, having one of our ‘chats’, just like it was over the computer, but this time, it was all real. I wanted to hug him so tight but I couldnt, I didnt know if he wanted me to? did he like me like that? or was i a dissapointment? He was so gorgeous, he was better looking in person that in his pics (and he was gorgeous in his pics!)

We grew closer as the time passed, I was in Texas for 5 days and by the 4th night, I was devestated I had to leave, desperately trying not to think about having to go back to talking online, half a world away. I couldnt bare it, Nick would wake me up every time I started to fall asleep saying “dont fall asleep, we only have a few more hours”. I could barely breathe on the drive to the airport, I couldn’t speak, I just sat quitely, sleeping here and there when I could. I had never wanted to cry so much in my life. I sucked in as much air as I could before saying goodbye, just praying that I could hold my tears long enough to get through the doors of the airport. I had the most amazing 5 days of my life, yet my heart was breaking. How was I ment to carry on at home now? just forget? pretend I dont love him?

The plane ride home was the worst, every second I knew I was further away, never knowing when I would get to see Nick again. I was home, and the only good thing about that was seeing my dog. As soon as I got back after my 17 hour journey, I put my computer on and checked my emails desperate to see the name Nick Cantu in my inbox.

“I’m back to my normal little life, although it will never be the same this time round. Thankyou for the years of unconditional love and loyalty, thankyou for an amazing few days sweetheart. Just plain thankyou for everything (maybe I do have a reason to carry on with my life much more enthusiasticlly now, an oh! what a spledid reason it is!)”

I read that, and I broke down. How cruel life seemed to be to put such a vast space between us. I had to find a way to overcome it. So I went back, back to Texas, back to Nick. I couldnt let that be it. We agreed to get engaged, and to be together no matter what, no matter how much effort or hard work it would be, we would find a way, because its what we wanted, because I loved him.

Since that time, Nick has visited my home in London, met my family and I have spent more time in Texas. We planned to marry in November, but after spending 6 weeks in London with me, Nick and I faced 3 months apart before our wedding. I had to work to help pay for venues and visa’s, and Nick had to spend time with his family. We decided in the face of seperation, to bring our wedding forward. I would go back to Texas with Nick, and we would get married. Nick’s family helped us plan an intimate ceremony and reception within the space of a week, and it was perfect. Fancy venues, flowers, dresses, cakes, no longer mattered. We just wanted to be together, to never have to say goodbye again.

We married at sunset on the 14th of June 2008.

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