By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
“My husband and I have a great working relationship. He’s great
to the kids, he’s nice to me, he works hard on the house but he
isn’t very interested in getting to know me for who I really am.
Any exploration around personal growth is threatening to him.
Sometimes I feel so depressed to think I’ll spend the rest of my
life with this person when I want so much more, but there isn’t
anything wrong to point to as to why I would leave.”
Nellie was having her first phone counseling session with me.
The problem was that Nellie was discounting her deep need for
emotional intimacy – her deep need to know and be known, her
deep need for emotional connection. Stating that, “there isn’t
anything wrong to point to” indicated how little she understood
her need for emotional intimacy and connection.
For most people, emotional intimacy and connection is
absolutely necessary to thrive. So what does a person like
Nellie need to do when she has a children and she doesn’t want
to break up the family? What is she to do when she really needs
something that her husband in unwilling or unable to give to
her?
If Nellie wants to stay in her marriage, then she needs to
accept the lack of intimacy and have her personal growth
explorations elsewhere – with friends, groups, and workshops. It
is possible to accept a companionship relationship for the
raising of children. Many couples create excellent companionship
relationships when they are willing to let go of both physical
and emotional intimacy.
With Nellie, one of the problems was that her husband would get
angry and withdraw when she didn’t want to make love with him.
There was no way Nellie could feel turned on to her husband, Brad,
when there was no emotional intimacy – no sense of connection.
If Brad was willing to accept the lack of sexuality, then they
could make it work. But if he continued to get angry and
withdraw, then Nellie would have to explore other options.
If Nellie learns to take loving care of herself and stop buying
into Brad’s anger, then his controlling behavior would no longer
work for him. If she learned to get her emotional needs met
elsewhere and disengaged when Brad was acting like a needy
little boy, then his behavior might change. Or it might not.
If it doesn’t and if the anger and withdrawal, lack of intimacy
and the sexual pull is not acceptable and Nellie is willing to
leave, then she would need to let him know that and see if he
would be willing to open intimacy with her. I have had many husbands, who were dragged to one of my 5-Day Couples Intensives, really open and move beyond their fears of personal growth and emotional intimacy.
The first thing that needs to happen is that Nellie needs to
validate her need for connection and emotional intimacy,
especially in order to feel sexual. Once she stops feeling
guilty for how she feels and learns to take loving action on her
own behalf, then she can see what the reality of the situation
is. While Brad is afraid of intimacy and growth, he might be
even more afraid of losing Nellie. When he sees that his anger
and withdrawal no longer work to make her feel guilty and
responsible for him, he might decide to open up.
The only way that Nellie will know if Brad will open up or not is
to learn to take 100% responsibility for her own feelings and
needs. As long as she is trying to get Brad to change, she will
be stuck feeling unhappy. It is always well worth doing your inner
work to try to save a marriage, whatever the outcome. If the
marriage improves – great! If it doesn’t, you will have learned
what you needed to learn to not make the same mistakes in your
next relationship.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You” and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Phone sessions and a FREE Inner Bonding course are available at Inner Bonding.
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