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Our phone calls lasted 4-5 hours, about
2-3 times a week. I told him I thought he was the one for me, and he
said he felt the same way. We weren't just kids, either. I'm in my mid
30's, and he is in his 40's. The emails we sent each other were
incredible. We both talked about our dreams. We looked at house plans
online...looked for jobs together....talked about having kids.
We sent each other LOTS of pics of each
other, and places we visited. On Valentine's Day, he was talking to me,
and suddenly said 'WAIT, I'll BRB'. About 15 mins later, he came back
and said 'I can't get you real flowers, so I took some pics of the
flowers in my garden. Happy Valentine's Day, Baby!' He was so
spontaneous, fun, and sweet, and my heart just melted.
After almost 2 years....yes, YEARS.....of sharing our hearts online, we
finally met in person, and had the most incredible weekend together. It
was everything I hoped it would be: intimate, fun, downright sexy. We
were HOT together. He had made a couple of CD's with songs he said
reminded him of me, and we played them on his portable CD player all
weekend, whenever we were in our hotel room. We spent hours talking,
walking on the beach, visiting all the places he had been telling me
about and sending me pictures of for 1 1/2 years. He even took me to his
Mom's antique shop. It was just amazing. Finally being able to look into
his beautiful blue eyes and tell him in PERSON that I loved him was a
dream come true. Hearing him whisper that he loved me as we were holding
each other sent chills down my spine.
When we parted at the end of that weekend, it was so tough. We both
cried and held each other tightly. We had worked so hard to make that
weekend happen (both of us have situations that I can't go into, but
that's why it took so long to meet). When I got back home, I was
determined to make all the dreams we had talked about come true. I was
determined that one way or another, we would be together, and we
wouldn't have to say goodbye ever again. We picked right back up where
we had left off.. the emails, the phone calls,
the web-camming, the long conversations
online. He kept telling me how much he missed me....how that weekend was
the most incredible experience, and that he wished I was still there
with him.
He said walking on the beach just wasn't
the same without me. He kept telling me how much he loved me, and wished
we could be together. I started saving for a plane ticket so he could
fly out to see me for a weekend, and I told him about the ticket. He was
thrilled and said he couldn't wait to see me again! Hearing that, and
knowing how deeply I loved him and that he said he felt the same way
about me...I began the process of making
arrangements for us to be together permanently. Then, disaster
struck.
About a month after our weekend at the beach, I found out that he had
scheduled a few days off work to meet another woman whom he had met on
the internet after he and I had met in person. We had an argument, and
he said he felt like it was none of my business. I replied that if he
was making plans to be with someone else, while AT THE SAME TIME telling
me he wanted US to be together, then it certainly WAS my business. He
didn't speak to me for several days, and I spent my nights alone,
sitting in front of a silent computer, waiting by a silent phone,
hurting so much it felt like I was dying.
Then one night, he came online and wanted to talk. He said he had been
talking online to this woman BEFORE we met that weekend, not AFTERWARD,
as I had been led to believe. He said that he wanted to meet her in
person. He said he felt a strong connection to her, and he wanted to
follow up on it. He said that I 'obviously thought there was more to him
and I than he did, and that he hadn't felt the same way.' He said 'I
wasn't in love with you.' and he said 'Where
was I when we supposedly talked about a future together?' His parting
shot was...'I'm sorry you feel I have hurt you. But I didn't use you.
You got as much out of it as I did.'
For weeks, all I could do was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I
stopped eating, I stopped taking a shower, I stopped changing clothes. I
didn't pay my bills. I had believed this man, I was totally in love with
him and believed in him. I drove 17 hours to spend a weekend with him at
the beach and then drove for 17 hours back home,
thinking I had just spent 3 wonderful days and nights with the love of
my life. After almost 2 years, I really believed he was the one. But he
took everything away when he said 'By the way, I wasn't in love with
you. I never felt the same way you did.' I have nothing good left to
remember, because apparently everything was based on a lie.
I have this dream over and over, in which
he and I are talking, and words from all our emails are printed across
the dream, and we're laughing and telling each other things from our
deepest hearts, and scenes from our weekend together are playing like a
movie, and I can actually feel his kisses all over again....and then
suddenly the words
'I WASN'T IN LOVE WITH YOU' are stamped across the dream, entirely
obscuring all the happy things. I can't see past those words, and I wake
up crying every single time. Despite everything he had been telling me
for almost 2 years......despite everything he told me that weekend, when
he was whispering my name as his hands touched me and his lips kissed
mine, he didn't love me.
That was in Nov 2002. It is now Feb 2003. I have been getting counseling
for several weeks. Slowly, very slowly, I am getting to a place in my
heart and mind that isn't filled with pain. He was my best friend. I
loved him with my deepest heart, and I believed in the future we had
talked about. I miss him so so much.
I will survive, but as long as I live, I will never understand how he
could use me like that, and for such a long time, knowing how much I
loved him. I will never understand how someone could be so cruel to
another human being.
"Tigger"
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