I knew deep down in my heart I was not happy and wanted out, But like most women I knew I was safe and my children were as well. We had food, clothing, and a roof over our heads. I wanted happiness, But what was the cost ? So I stayed for my kids sake. 

I often chatted with different men online. I needed the affection I was lacking from my husband. And some attention was better then none. I had several long distance online affairs that crashed in my face. But I was willing to take the chance, It was such a rush to have someone who wanted you, Wanted to be close to you, Someone who told you the things you never got to hear. 

The first online affair I had was with someone from Canada. I didn't mean to fall in love with this man, I guess you could say it just happened. I was logged into a game room, New to the computer world I had no idea you could chat with people so far away. Well we began to play a card game. Question after question, we got to know more and more about each other. At first I was not honest with him, but that just crashed in my face. Because the more we chatted, The deeper the feelings grew. This went on for several weeks, I did not have my own computer at the time, I was using my mothers. So the more I talked to this man, the more I wanted. It was like an addiction. 

I would log online and go hunting for him. I finally got my own PC. So now I was able to talk to him even more. Our relationship got stronger and our hearts got more involved. We were racking up many dollars for telephone calls. We both were dying to meet each other, But in our hearts we both knew that this just was not possible. So one day he broke it off. I'll never forget the hurt I felt inside. But I knew deep down it was for the best. I let my heart heel and went on with my life. Still married and still miserable, again I turned to the cyber world for love. I knew there was someone out there to talk to. I began chatting more and more. I let the PC take over my life. I didn't care about much of anything, I was so depressed and so lonely, Even my kids knew how sad I was. But still, I had to do what was best for my daughters. About a month or so after my first online affair I met someone closer to my home town. And again, this was just something that fell into my lap, I didn't go looking.

Well I had enough of meeting men that were married, I decided to take life into my hands and do something about my well being. I knew I was young and I was not willing to go all my life like this. My kids deserve much more, They were just as unhappy as I was. And I knew it was up to me to do something about it. I just did not know how. I told myself over and over I was a good person, I was a good mother to my daughters and I deserve happiness. I deserve to have the attention and affection I was lacking, And I deserve to be wanted and most of all loved. So I was done crying and feeling sorry for myself. And I turned to a girl friend for support. Right away she offered for me and my daughters to come live with her till I was able to get on my feet. I saw that open door and took it. I packed up all four of us and walked out the door and never looked back. For once I did something for myself and not for another man. I was so proud of myself. I knew I had a long road ahead of me and it was going to take time to get what I wanted. But I knew I could do it. I made it this far, There was no turning back. I stayed with her for a little while, Then my parents offered for us to come live with them. There was more room so I thought it would be for the best. 

A couple months went by and I felt I was ready to get back into the dating pool. I was new to it and did not realize the stress that it had. I felt I should jump into a relationship right away, Maybe I should just play the field. I was used to the cyber world and felt comfortable using it to date. So I placed a personal ad on "Yahoo Personals". Response after response, but nothing that caught my eye. I felt I was just being played so I deleted the ad. I think it was 2 days later I received an e-mail from someone who had seen my ad and wanted to reply but thought he was too late. So we played e-mail tag for a few days and then he asked me out on a date. Luck would happen, We were in the same town. Boy someone was looking over our shoulders *smiles*. We arranged a date. I was so nervous because this was the first time a man would actually come pick me up and take me out. The evening came and he arrived at my parents house. He even had flowers *smiles*. When I opened the door I was like "Wow!!" He was very attractive and well dressed. Our first date was wonderful. There was never a dull moment. I can honestly say we "clicked". 

Over seven months has went by and we are still going strong. I don't think I have ever been this happy before. Finally I have a man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I often wonder if my girl friend would not have offered for us to come stay with her, would I have left that situation? I guess the ol saying goes "Good things come to those who wait". My advice to all of you women, who stay for your kid’s sake, It's not worth it. More then likely your kids are just as unhappy as you are. And they’re better off not being in that situation. 

All I can say is follow your heart, don’t give up on your hopes and dreams. You are the only one who knows what’s best for you. You can stay in a dead end relationship and be miserable for the rest of your life, or you can take life into your hands and change it for the better. You may not find love, but love may find you. All this time happiness for me was just miles away from me and it took me 11 years to get there. But it was definitely worth the wait. Men are like the stars, there are millions of them in the sky, but there's only one that can make all your dreams come true.

"Missy"