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Ben and I originally lived a 3862 mile flight apart. This flight takes
approximately 9 hours from Birmingham to Chicago plus there's a couple
of hours of driving at each end getting to and from the airport. Central
Standard Time is also 6 hours behind Greenwhich Mean Time. With all this
distance it seems remarkable that we ever came across each other. But
whereas we can measure this distance physically, it's hard to comprehend
the massive space that is the internet. The odds of our paths crossing
must have been so minute...which leads me to believe in the power of
fate. I don't think I'd be so amazed if we'd both placed personal ads
online and thus were looking for a relationship online. Or it wouldn't
have been so unusual if we'd met on the emotional health discussion
board where I posted every day. But no, we met in a yahoo music chat
room.
I was in Vermont at the time, on an exchange program and so the time
difference was only an hour then. I remember being online and none of my
friends from the discussion board were around, so I decided to go into
yahoo chat. I really don't have a clue what the date was, but Ben
reckons it was most likely a Sunday night in September (1999) and I'll
go along with that. I'd been in yahoo a couple of times before, but I
didn't make a habit of it. With a female name all you seem to get are a
lot of creepy blokes wanting to talk about sex. I went straight to the
music rooms and the system threw me into one of many 'ska, punk and
thrash' rooms. I was una_jen, 'Una' being the virgin maiden in Spenser's
The Faerie Queene, who is saved by and marries the noble RedCrosse
knight. This is a poem that I'd read for university from the 1600's, I
think. The chat room I was in had only two people in there, someone
called sk8er and my future husband who I met as Jaghurdamore... a name
Ben made up for a monkey character who stars in a series of short
stories he's written.
Well, from what I remember the three of us chatted for a short while and
then ska8er left us alone. Although we were in a music room we didn't
talk about music at all, except to say that neither of us liked punk. I
was having a hard time in Vermont, as I hadn't really wanted to go on an
exchange and somehow I ended up telling Ben all my problems, past and
present, in detail. It's somehow easier to spill out a bunch of personal
stuff to a stranger and Ben was a good listener and tried arguing me out
of my depressive way of thinking. He remembers that night, as he'd never
stayed up all night talking to someone online before. We swapped e mail
addresses before we logged off so we could stay in touch.
I was in Vermont until late December and we kept in casual e mail
contact during that time...I can't really remember if we chatted again
in that time, perhaps we did once or twice. We lost touch over Christmas
and during January as I had no computer access. When we made contact
again Ben was all confused as to why I was in England. Ummm, because I
lived there. He came across my e mail in his address book and wrote to
me because he hadn't heard from me in ages. So during February 2000 Ben
would send me e mails that made me laugh and I'd take two weeks to
reply, as now I was having a hard time settling back into university in
Nottingham. By March, after we kept missing each other being online in
yahoo, we realised that we both had AOL instant messenger. So now we
chatted when we could... more often and for longer periods of time as
the weeks went by. Once we were both online for 15 hours straight,
chatting for much of that time. Ben made me laugh on AIM, being what
could be fondly called a 'jackass'. Whereas his e mails conveyed that
there was so much more to him. I began to think what a good boyfriend
he'd make but I didn't dwell on that...he lived on a whole other
continent.
At this point we still hadn't exchanged photos. Ben has since told me
that he had an impression of me having short black hair and not being
pretty at all...hehe, thanks. My friend Liz helped us along on this
issue. One night she came into the computer room as I was chatting to
Ben and I handed the keyboard over to her so they could say hi. Liz was
being all girly & bold and as I told her what a nice guy Ben is, she
typed it up for him to see. Then she started asking what he looked like
and I told her I hadn't seen a picture of him. On Liz's request, Ben
agreed to send me his photo later in the evening. I sent him the only
one of me that I had online, which was from Christmas 1998. In the photo
I'm wearing a Christmas cracker hat which totally confused Ben as they
don't have crackers in the USA. Swapping photos made our friendship feel
more real and Ben got to know me better through 'meeting' Liz.
At this point in time we both started developing feelings for each
other. There were a couple of clues that something was starting to
happen between us: Ben had to draw a floor plan of his work for a
college class and he included a little green haired stick figure, which
was me being a customer. He also told me about a couple of dreams he had
about me. One where he came to England to drive me to class. In one of
his dreams he dreamt that he gave me a cactus instead of flowers, when
he met me at the airport. This was really weird as I had a whole
collection of cacti but had never told him. Then in 'Paint' I drew Ben a
picture of a cactus. Hehe, I guess that was my way of flirting - sending
him a picture. We also noticed that it got harder to say good bye to
each other when we logged off for the night - hence the 15 hour chat
perhaps. I also started saving our AIM conversations - I have a couple
from the few days before we got together.
Around May 11th 2000, we became a couple. Ben sent me an e mail, in the
midst of a migraine, with a few rhetorical questions, something like
"Why do I miss you when you log off the computer?" and "Why do I feel
depressed at the thought of going to work and not getting to talk to
you?" Awww. He was worried that he was out of line even mentioning this
and expected me to just politely dismiss him. I was nervous but
thrilled. I sent him a rather confused reply, kind of warning him about
all the weirdness he was letting himself in for. But when we talked on
AOL later that night I let him know that I felt the same. We kind of
skirted round the issue a lot. No way did we come right out and say that
we were in love. We avoided the direct words but it was clear that we
both had strong feelings for each other. Later that night we did address
that issue and I agreed to be Ben's girlfriend. Hehe, it sounds like we
were 14 or something but it was hard to get our feelings out in the
open.
Ben and I were both a bit stunned at falling for someone on the
internet...someone we'd never seen in person. Ben was particularly
resistant, wondering "how the hell" this could have happened. As for me,
well I'd never had a boyfriend before and now I had one, but he was on
the other side of the Atlantic. So, as soon as we'd come to understand
that we both felt strongly about each other, we talked about meeting and
even the possibility of Ben one day living in England. Little did we
know of the visa process back then. But we decided that the best thing
to do would be for Ben to come and visit me as soon as possible. He was
still in tech school at the time and so couldn't afford to miss classes
until September. This was a good time to come visit me as I'd be in my
flat at university and I could move in 2 weeks before the term started.
This was all arranged in May...so we had a long wait until we'd see each
other.
By the time June came around, I was already impatient and getting
frustrated. I'd finished my exams for the semester and had nothing to do
but sit and wait until September. So after much thought and a phone call
to my mum (who told me to "Go for it. You're only young once") I asked
Ben what he thought about me coming to visit him for my birthday, later
that month. After a lot of discussion and sleeping on it, it was
decided. On my younger brother's advice, I spoke to Ben on the phone
before I bought the tickets. Jordan said I should make sure that Ben
didn't sound too creepy, hehehe. We only talked for about 20 minutes (my
phone card ran out) but Ben sounded far from creepy...just nervous cute
and kind of like a cowboy. Though I feel a bit silly for thinking that
now. It certainly offended him when I told him that, especially as he
was saying nice things about how eloquent and sane I sounded.
There's often a question as to whether you can fall in love with someone
you've never met. Is it all just a fantasy? Even though we're now
married, I still find it hard to get my head around falling in love
online. I do think you can fall in love with someone's personality. It's
definitely possible to form a strong emotional connection through
communicating and sharing your thoughts & feelings. It is a lot
different once you've met in person though. You're then able to add the
final dimension to your love. Perhaps it can be explained by saying that
you can love someone you know online but you can only be *in" love with
them once you've met.
Falling in love online is not something you should rush into. I'm really
glad me and Ben started out as friends online and let things develop
naturally. Yes, before we met we did feel that we loved each other and
we told each other this. But we also understood that we needed to meet
in person and see how we connected before we considered our future. I
sometimes read stories of people who say that they're engaged when
they've never met but that just doesn't seem emotionally possible to me.
I believe the internet can be a great place to meet people...I'm a shy
person and so I was able to be myself more easily online. But I also
believe that once you've met someone online and you're in a trusting
relationship, it is *crucial* to meet in person to confirm how you both
feel. I'm also really lucky that Ben was a 100% honest with me. I was
more honest with him than I am with a lot of people in my real life. If
you're dating someone online and you're planning on meeting soon then
take a look at our Online relationship advice section for some advice on
safety. Thankfully Ben and I had no obstacles with honesty to overcome,
but people online don't always tell the truth. We did have our own
particular fears before meeting though...
Before I met Ben I had four piercings: my nose, right eyebrow, labret
(below my lip) and tragus (part of my ear). Ben has a very strong needle
phobia, which extends to a dislike of piercings because of the images
they create in his mind. If we had originally met in person it's
unlikely we would have become more than friends, as Ben couldn't
conceive dating anyone with piercings. So understandably I was worried
that Ben would take one look at me and that would be the end. This
wasn't helped by the fact that the only photo I had of me online was on
taken before all my piercings. Everyone I spoke to about this suggested
that I just take my piercings out...hmmm, no one seems to like them
except me. Ben was the only person who didn't suggest that I removed
them and when we did meet he came to accept them remarkably quickly. Ben
was also worried before we met, thinking that he wasn't weird enough for
me, as he wasn't some long haired guy with piercings. Hehe, but I can
tell you that he's suitably weird enough for me just as he is.
The 18th of June 2000 was the day we first met face to face...
"Jennie"
>> Continued in
Part
Two.
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