It isn't like some educated guess I made...this is more than a feeling. More then my palms sweating, more than a simple romantic attraction. Its like he's another part of me and I just want to care for him so badly. I want to make him happy and when I do it makes me happy.

So here's how our story starts out. I was going to be 17, but I wasn't too happy. Toward the end of my sophomore year I was real depressed. My friends weren't talking to me, when I would try to start a conversation with them they'd go "So What?" or just completely ignore me, then they would complain that I need to talk more. When a new person would show up they'd introduce me as "This is Angela, but she doesn't talk."
I had never been on a date...had just gotten over this extreme fear of guys and had been only asked out once by a guy that was way too old for me and had just broken up with his girlfriend two weeks earlier. He was just like "You haven't been on a date? Well how about you and I go out so you can have the experience of it?"

I really needed someone to talk to, and I was starting to believe that I was really just a social freak that no matter how hard I would try I'd never be able to really have any true friends. So, one day I went online and tried to chat. I didn't like it at first, but after two weeks of trying I was an addict. It was my other life. I was who I had always felt like I was but could never be. I was getting so many friends I couldn't remember all the nicks, and then just before summer came, some guys online (not those perverts that go around saying "I like you, let's cyber", but guys I had been friends with for awhile) started expressing to me that they liked me. 

I was freaking out. That had never happened to me, but I hadn't heard of cyberdating...even if I had feelings for them what could I do? They were miles apart from me..we couldn't date. Well, I met Sajjad and like three days later we were hooked. He was my first cyber boyfriend. We never participated in cybersex...that's just... well its wrong! and he didn't agree with it either, but it was like a pretend relationship. Wasn't serious or anything, we just would talk for four straight hours at night. A month later I caught him in a porn chat room..he denied it so I ended the stupid thing.

My next online boyfriend was a bit more serious..in my eyes but not in his...it ended when school started and the break up was like ..ok he had gotten me on icq and I had to send the message while he was offline because he never was online anymore the next day I got a message just saying yes and I didn't hear from him for 4 months after that. That guy I had really thought I loved he had gotten me over my real life crush and whenever I talked to him I was filled with joy.

Like I said I was an internet addict..I didn't see how I could date in real life..so after the secound boyfriend I started rebounding. I had two short relationships on the net after that..it was becoming like a game to me. I wasn't just addicted to chat..I was addicted to having an all time talking companion...someone there just to lift my spirits.
I started to hate myself for what I was doing to these guys, so I tried my hardest to avoid the relationships. Then, a guy nicknamed MagicSmooth started hitting on me. I had known him almost as long as I had been on chat and we had never really gotten along. He was an online player would have 10 online girlfriend's at the same time and try to hid them from each other. He also was a hacker and all of a sudden he started helping me out with problems on my computer which I'd be grateful for and then he started saying "I love you like a sister" Then he'd just do things for me w/out my asking and I'd ask him why and he'd be like "oh I don't know." I was pretty suspicious of what he was doing. We had talked on the phone earlier he'd tell me about these terrible stories of his parents dying and his best friend dying and all this junk. 

He was also dating this girl online nicked Dana when he started hitting on me. So one day he did another thing for me and I asked "Why?" and he like got all frustrated and was like "Are you that dense? Can't you tell when a guy likes you?" Well, I still thought he was lying, but what if he wasn't..I didn't want to offend him so I apologised. He also told me he broke up with Dana..they had been in a big fight and said stuff about how I had helped them in their relationship.

He was just full of compliments. He asked me to be his online girlfriend and I told him I didn't know whether to trust him or not. Then he told me he was this other guy I had talked to in the summer that I had started to like, but had disappeared two days after I met him. He just like twisted my mind all around till he convinced me that I liked him. So, I told him yes, and the next day we were calling each other sweetie and then I had to go to church. When I got back, I'd message him and he wouldn't answer. Finally he said he was doing some big hacking thing and didn't have time to talk.

Then, Dana got on. Gosh I was guilty. I asked her what had happened between the two of them. She said they were just great. And I said "He told me you two broke up" Well they hadn't. I told her to get his attention and get him to talk to me. When I talked to him he was like "What are you talking about? Someone must have taken my nick.
Remember...I love you like a sister nothing else." So I told him fine and got off irc..then he msg's me on icq and tells me to get back on. then he tells me he really did have feelings for me but he had thought about it and thought I just felt sorry for him and that was why I was going with him. He said he'd break up with her. Then he said he was busy and that he didn't have time to talk. So, I was real stressed and guilty. Talked with some of my online friends and found out he was also trying to get with Molly..a girl he had dated in the Summer again..and a bunch of other girls he was hitting on too. 

I messaged him in complete anger. He didn't answer. The next day I saw him on and messaged him telling him I had to take him off my icq list and notify list on pirch till I got over the anger. Well, he messaged me back and basically did a lot of swearing saying he had only wanted to prove to himself that he could get me and that he never really cared for me..that I was annoying and that no one could ever care for me.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I just got all numb, and I was afraid of guys online hitting on me. They'd be in my room and compliment me and I'd just kick them out. Then I'd apologise to everyone saying I was just stressed out and sorry. I was so lucky to have met Justin before the Magicsmooth blow. Unfortunately because that situation was so complicated, I really don't remember meeting Justin. All I know is that he was a new friend in the time that Magic had been hitting on me. And I did know they weren't the same person because I had talked to the both of them at the same time.

Its so weird because when Magic was convincing me to like him, I had been getting to know Justin...(I was in three private chats at the time) I remember thinking how much Justin and I had in common - it was just one thing after another and wasn't like "I'm into this" "you are too?!" It was just...we'd get on subjects that I was pretty opinionated on, like religion and completely agree with me and say things to support my side of the opinion. I did suspect him liking me too. He kept asking me if he was bothering me, and I'd just be "no! You're really fun to talk to." And I remember thinking "Gosh this guy is nice. What if I missed the guy I was supposed to be with because I was choosing some loser?"

Anyway, after the whole situation which Justin didn't know too much about at the time, I started talking to Justin a lot. He was always on at the same time of the day, and we just clicked. Finally, I told him how I felt right as I was figuring it out. I just said "I think I'm starting to like you." He smiled and continued to talk. Then I told him I really did like him. He made a blushing smile on the screen and SAID NOTHING ABOUT IT! Then I asked him if it was ok for me to like him. His reply "Come closer to the screen. Closer. I have a secret to tell you. I like you too." And this like wasn't like the other's. This was more pure... it was real feelings. 

Ok, just because we told each other we liked each other..that didn't start the relationship. I was too afraid that it would become like the other online relationships..plus my online life was still a bit complicated. I won't get into that. We planned to talk the next day which so happened to be his birthday, but he didn't show up. I figured it was because he was at a birthday party and couldn't get online so I didn't worry about it too much.

Then the weekend went by. Where did he go? Got to hear from him Sunday night and found out there had been a flood in the city his server was in..so he couldn't get online, and the weekend he had to spend at his mom's. He was just like "If I would have had your number I would have called." Well, we talked that day and on Monday I finally asked him to be my online boyfriend. He goes "only if you'll be my online girlfriend"
I talked to Magic again and he's like "you're really hurt aren't you?" and I'm like "No, I already got an online boyfriend. I never liked you that much in the first place." He said I was just rebounding..ha! Justin and I exchanged phone numbers and I called him that Sat. I was pretty nervous and I've never been much of a phone talker, but it was like "Hello?" "Uh, hello. uh, Justin?" "Angela?" "I told you my voice was stupid" "No its not. You have a nice voice." And from there on the conversation just flew. I was cracking up laughing, (mom told me I was too giggly) and just having a great time. Then mom comes up and goes "10 more mins." And I was like "Why?" She told me "that will make an hour" So we said our ten min goodbye and got back on chat.

We've gone through a lot, and still have never had an argument in our months of being together. We've sent each other packages, and gosh. I remember how terrifying it was for him about his family finding out about us. He was so afraid they'd make him end it because they are really ones to fall for those things they say on TV. His grandma started coming up the stairs after watching some show on criminals on the internet and his brother warned him. Justin was like "I gotta go." and I said "Why?" He said "I just have to." and close his screen (I know more details because he told me later) Well when his grandma came up I had popped on the screen telling him "ok, bye. I love you." He wrote he loved me too, and talked it over with his grandma. He got a hold of me later and told me what happened. 

I wrote this huge email to his family trying to convince them I was really the 17 year old I had been saying I was. I was getting so excited for Summer...we'd be able to talk more since there was no school. Well, June ended up being a bad month. He's parents are divorced so he had to spend time with his mom...which meant no online. That month our communication was strictly phone calls once a week and letters through snail mail. Ever since the relationship had started. I talked less and less on chat. When he was unable to get online. I tried to get back on, but it just bored me. No one was as wonderful as talking to him. It basically got me off of my chat addiction. 

I started finding things to do offline although I'd show up once and a while to work on our web site or look at my fav sites or say hi to my online friend who kept saying how much they missed me. And, guess what happened in July? We met in person. It was a two day trip for my family to travel all the way down to MS, but it was so worth it! It was the best three weeks of my life. I remember sitting with mom in the lobby of the hotel and mom saying she thought she saw them (I did have three pic's of him and a home video he sent me, but I was still afraid I wouldn't regonize him) When I saw him..I knew it was him. His mom smiled and pointed to me and I was just like "oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh" and we walked into each other's arms. it was amazing...I had never been held in a guy's arms before..and actually was pretty uncomfortable being close to people. (It was his first time in a girl's arm's too. 

He'd had two girlfriends before me, but the longest one had lasted 2 weeks for him...one for her..she started dating someone else w/o telling him. He found out when he asked her to go to a dance with him. The other one broke up with him because he wouldn't kiss her) That first day...we just couldn't stay away from each other. We were practically making out in public..I guess it was our inexperience, the fact we had wanted to hold each other for 6 months and that we only had so much time together. Our parents had to talk with us twice and the next day we were a lot better. We got better every day. I got to meet his relatives, got to go four wheeling with him, then my parents took us on a small vacation to the Smokey's. 

We went back up to Wi with him along and we spent two weeks together there..and in Mn where he met my relatives and we went to Valley Fair and the Mall of America. We spent a bit much money..I still owe my mom some..hehe, but it was worth it. I have never been happier and him leaving was one of the hardest things I had to deal with. We drove to the bus depot, and when the bus came..I tried to hold him tightly and he kept pushing away. Later he told me it was because he didn't want to start crying in the middle of a crowd. He got on the bus and I just started balling. I couldn't let it end that way. Justin told me that when he saw me crying he started to get back off to hold me one last time, but I didn't notice that. I kept asking mom if I could go on the bus and hold him one more time..if I was allowed to do that..and she told me to just go. I got on the bus and looked down the aisle..and finally saw him squeezing his way through people. We held on to each other and he told me to step off the bus. We stood by the bus and just held on each other so tightly and kissed a bit. He kept saying in my ear "This isn't the last time we'll see each other. I love you. I'll be back. I promise I'll be back." 

He pulled away, and I held him tighter and he stopped. Then I looked at his eyes. They were red and small, but no tears were coming out and I commented on that. He told me he was hiding it. Finally I let him go and we left before the bus left since my parents had parked where they shouldn't have. He called me at the half way point, and got home and found out he had to go back with his mom's. It was back to the once a week calls, so we thought, but his mom said he could call every day for a half hour..which we kinda went over.

He's now back at his grandma's..where he gets to go online and has already started school. I start later this week. We talk online...oh! And I finally got a job! Justin has given me a lot more then just someone to love. He's given me a purpose in my life. I'm not just someone living because I have to. I thank him for everything he's given me...whether it be actual things like the promise ring he gave me while he was up here or just the emotional support.

No one can tell me this isn't true love. I know it is deep in my heart. I may be only 17, and he may be only 16, but love has nothing to do with your age. It has to do on maturity. There are many people are age who are just too immature to fall into true love. They're too self centered on how they feel rather then how they make other's feel, but I have met many 30 year olds..or even older people who still need to mature to find true love.

It isn't just some emotion that's going to fill you when you're with the person. Its like they become a part of yourself. When they hurt..you hurt..you aren't just sympathetic. No one can understand true love until they really experience it. When you find it...you just know.

"Angela"

>> Continued in Part Two.