I responded to his ad, and we started emailing and using icq to talk. He wasn't around too much, but we started to get more and more comfortable talking. it wasn't too long after that when he asked me for my phone number. I am a very careful person about my privacy, but I am also one to follow my instincts. I felt no bad vibes from him at all, so we exchanged #'s. He called the next day and from that point on our conversations were mostly on the phone. I didn't tell him that I was actually seeing someone in RL. I didn't bother saying anything because the relationship was on it's last legs as well as the fact that I wasn't expecting anything romantic to start with this guy.

All we had done at this point was exchange pics and talk on the phone etc. We seemed to have everything in common as well as both living in the same area, so it was a short time before I decided that he should come over and meet me. I had also had a big fight with the guy I was seeing the night before and we had broken up.

So I gave him directions to my house, and waited impatiently for his arrival. He pulled up in front of the house and came to the front door. I was standing on the other side of it but was too nervous to answer till he knocked again. when I opened the door I had to catch my breath- this guy was amazing looking!! He had the most amazing brown eyes, dark hair and killer smile. We sat on the patio and had a couple of beers, and just kept the conversation casual. I don't know if he was as nervous as me, but he sure seemed relaxed! LOL! After a time we decided to grab a bite to eat at a local pub. All this time it had not yet occurred to me that this was a romantic potential. he was just someone I could talk to really easily. sometime halfway through lunch, I don't remember what we were talking about, but I looked into his eyes and it hit me- I was meant to be with this guy. I sat there completely in shock for the rest of the meal. he must have thought I was a total moron.. he would ask me a question and I just wouldn't hear it...

That evening we ended up at my house watching movies. I am not sure who made the first move, but we were holding each other on the couch, and it just felt right. I think my heart stopped the first time we kissed. It was just a gentle kiss- no tongue or anything, but I could feel it in my toes. as it was getting late and we had been drinking beer all night, I told him that he should stay the night. Well, we all know how one thing can lead to another.. *innocent grin*. I don't remember what movie we were watching, and I am pretty sure that I missed the ending but nothing seemed to exist except us. We eventually ended up in the bedroom... leaving a trail of clothes the whole way.. *grin*. It felt so right to be near him, and when he touched me it felt like I was somehow another entity. I was all electrified and numb at the same time. We stayed up most of the night kissing, holding and exploring each other- even though this was not what either of us expected. after we made love we fell asleep holding on to each other very tightly.

So then we were dating. I cherished every moment we could spend together. We made it through a couple of really tight situations, both involving ex's, but I still had faith that this was the man that I was put here to find. His exgirlfriend was being a real pain in the ass, and as a result he started to push me away. He was very secretive about a lot of his life, but I didn't ask to be let in. I don't think it's right to know it all right away. After a month or two, he told me over icq that this wasn't working for him, and he just disappeared.

I was absolutely devastated. I tried everything that I could think of to draw him out of his shell, but it was like hitting my head on a brick wall- I got no response whatsoever. as time wore on, I continued with my life but he was always in my head. I even went out on the odd date, but I just couldn't bring myself to be close to anybody else.

Then about a month or so ago, I was on my computer, with my icq on invisible, and I got a message... he just said "psssst". We talked for a short while, then he said that he had to go to sleep. I was paralyzed with the fear that he was just going to bolt again, but I said goodnight. After that he was online a lot more, and would say hi whenever he saw me, and we even started talking on the phone again. I didn't know what to say to him, I was scared that I would scare him off again. He talked about his ex-girlfriend, who was harassing him still, but worse now. and it wasn't until this time that it dawned on me, he was still not over her. I suspect that he broke up with me to be with her, but I never asked and I don't really want to know. He was trying to get rid of her, from the way he talked to me, but he didn't seem to be doing much about it. I kept all of my feelings inside and just offered him my support and friendship. One night we actually saw each other in person, and in spite of myself, all of the feelings were still there. and going against our better judgement, we started a physical relationship again. One morning he called me and told me that his ex had come by the night before and destroyed some expensive blinds while trying to break into his house. He wouldn't answer the door for her, and he had changed the locks. he sounded so happy, and relaxed, and it was then that he admitted to me that he finally had the closure that he needed. but where did that leave me?

So this brings us right up to the present. It is now March. Some nights he calls me and asks me over or meets me places, and other times he won't answer the phone when he sees my number on his caller ID. We've only been together physically once or twice, but we have spent a few nights together. When I am in his arms, nothing else seems to matter. He tells me that he is not ready to be with anybody in a relationship just yet, and he doesn't believe in casual dating. last week I was at his house for the night, and while we were talking it dawned on me that he will most likely never be in a relationship with me again. I told him this, and that I'm convinced that he's going to meet someone totally new, and I'm going to get passed by. I am crying as I type this because of that knowledge, but I am powerless against it. All I can do is offer my support, and try to help him through his hard time.

My heart races when I get the "user is online" message on icq or when he calls to say hi. I am trying to pull away, but I know it's useless to even try. So for now I will continue to focus my life around what mood he is in that day and if he feels like seeing me. Almost every day I read back through old emails etc, and I wonder what I did wrong. My friends are not so very fond of him because he is hurting me, but he is not doing it on purpose. He has told me that for my own good I should just shut him out of my life. And I of course refuse to do that. Yesterday I spent the day 4 x 4ing with a big group of people and I allowed myself to have fun and forget about it all for an afternoon. My cell phone doesn't work out there, so I had no distractions and I couldn't be tempted to call him. We all ended up going to a pub to play some pool and warm up with a drink, and I turned my cellphone on. He had left messages there and at home. He never leaves me messages, and very rarely calls me. So I left the group at the bar, and raced home to call him back, as my cellphone had no battery power left and cut out during out conversation. He had mentioned that he was tired, and by the time I got home he was asleep and didn't answer the phone.

Now that you have read my story, and I just read it myself, I realize that I have not made him sound like much of a catch. I am hurting inside and just discovered the knowledge inside of me that I will most likely never be able to be with him the way that I want to. I think that the happiness that I feel when things are good between us more than makes up for the hurt. I know that he cares about me, and that's enough. I am not going to walk away from a potential friendship because I can't have the love.

Thank-you for taking the time to read my story!

"Whiskas"