My best friend at the time was over and she began talking to someone, I recognized their screen name. It turns out she had started talking to someone I had shrugged off a week or two earlier. So as odd as it seems she found the same person I had found and completely ignored him. I thought this was a weird thing, but I ignored it once again, until he started iming me after my friend had left. Mainly out of boredom I started to talk to him. 

Night after night we talked for hours til the early morning. Just know he was there refreshed my mind and made me feel at ease.

That was a summer of tremendous change and uncertainty for me. This person I had met on a computer seemed to make me feel alive again. It was so hard for me to understand, so I went with it and after a month or so I told the person how I felt about them and they returned their feelings. From then on we talked sometimes eight to nine hours a night. I fell in love...even if to this say he believes I was never in love. He gave me so much, helped me feel so much, he was my life. We talked everyday sharing our deepest and darkest feelings and secrets. I thought this was the man I wanted to marry we talked about everything from kids to marriage to spending the rest of our lives together. 

During our year together we never met but talked on the phone several times. He made me feel so alive just his voice sent chills through my entire body. Every night would come on line to talk to him no matter how busy I was. That was how it use to be. Yet due to my own fault I lost this person. I was always one to play games and toy with his mind. I broke his heart several times, in a way I always thought he would come back and he did always, except for the last time. I loved him..I truly did....but I was scared of so much...just the idae of never meeting this person frightened me. I played with his mind over and over...I felt he had to prove he loved me since I was never use to a male showing true love towards me. I am still scared.

I can't believe I chased the person I loved away. I think now he believes it was all a game and that i never cared. But I did care. He made me who I am today. He showed me what life could be. He made me the happiest girl on Earth and I still screwed with his mind. I guess in a way I am cold hearted and everything he ever said. I do not know what made me do what I did to him but I know I did it. I know I hurt the only person in my whole life I ever truly cared about. I except all this and I except the fact that I will live with this feeling for the rest of my life. Because he was my first love and I still believe my true love. 

We have been separated for a few weeks now and it seems we both have moved on, yet I'm not sure how happy either of us are. I'm happy for him I truly am and I love him enough that I want him to be happy and I know I could never make him happy. He is far too great of a person for me. But I will always and forever love him with all my heart and everything I am. 

I'm writing this basically to tell everyone not to take what they have for granted because you will pay....and to the person I love, you know who you are and I want you to know I love you and without you I would be no one.
Love always and forever,

"Nikki"