|
|
After several minutes, however, a girl
sent me a P2P. Asked a few questions... obviously we were both still unsure
of each other, it was just some light chatting. Eventually she asked me
for my AIM screen-name so I gave it to her and we chatted some more
until maybe 8 PM. At the time, she wasn't too sure about me, so she lied
about her name and how she looked, but she seemed to like me somewhat.
I, on the other hand, thought she was great and all, but just another
online friend.
Well that night she left to go babysit at
her grandmothers and I hung around for a bit chatting... eventually went
to sleep.
The next day we spoke again. We must have chatted all day! Getting to
know each other more and more as the hours passed. The same happened the
next day. She seemed really great.
So now we're on day 3. It was late, I was tired, but I still remember it
like yesterday.
She finally told me her real name. It wasn't Aliyah (I sorta figured
that) like she had said when we "met." Her real name was Gabrielle. What
a perfect name, don't you think? After telling me this, she proceeded to
tell me she wanted to sing me a song. The song she chose was "Come What
May" from Moulin Rouge. It was amazing that she chose that song, because
had it been any other song, I wouldn't have known the words. She sang
it... and eventually I joined in, singing along with her. All text typed
in, of course, but it had a meaning for both of us.
After we "sang" together, she told me she had this "weird feeling." and
asked if I had it too. I didn't feel it, but I wanted to, and told her I
did as well, partially out of shame for not feeling it. It was only a
short time after that, however, that I began to feel the same way.
Shortly thereafter, my laptops battery died, and I left to go to sleep.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, as we stayed constantly
in touch. Calling each other day and night. Falling asleep at 5AM
together on the phone... things I took advantage of, not realizing how
much I really cared for her, even though I knew I loved her.
I continually kept having doubts, however. "How could this be real," I'd
ask myself. It seemed impossible. Falling in love over the internet?
Falling in love with someone you've never met? I started to feel
pathetic and desperate, and I'd often go off on her about how this love
couldn't be real. I didn't realize how it made her feel until now...
(explanation on why will come later in this story) She really cared for
me, and hearing me doubt our love really hurt her...
Not sure on the month now, but I left for Puerto Rico. It was late one
night, and I was sitting on a loveseat near my grandmother in her living
room when the call came. It was my mother. She was talking to my
grandma. Apparently the phone bill had arrived for one of my phones (I
bought another cell phone during our relationship, as the first one
continuously cut off. The bill was $700, long distance. I was shocked
and embarrassed. I decided it needed to end between us after that...
upon my arrival back into New York, I found that the phone bill for the
second phone had come. It was $300. $1000, total, both phones, if you
haven't already done the math.
October 31st, 2002 (yeah, Halloween. Don't ask me... a lot of stuff
happens between us on memorable days)
I spoke to her through her friend who was on the phone with her, online.
I told her friend to tell her a lot of stuff. All Gabrielle could tell
me in return was.. "why?" I can see her now... on the phone with her
friend crying over my harsh words.
It ended that night. It would be the last time I spoke to her for a
while. Her friend told me she shot herself, and I didn't take it
seriously... I thought it was to make me feel bad. Boy, was I wrong.
A week after, I called her phone, and her step mother answer. I said
hello and asked to speak to Gabrielle and she handed the phone to
Gabrielle's father. Her father, politely though, told me not to call
again. I shyly said "alright", wanted to say more, but not being able to
find the courage, and he hung up without a goodbye. That began several
months of severe depression. I was happy, fun, loud, and an overall
happy guy in the day, but come night, I was a wreck. Listening to the
most depressing music I could get my hands on and wishing I had another
chance. I had nothing to remember her by because after Halloween night,
I got rid of all her letters and deleted all the pictures she took of
herself on her webcam. I had nothing but the thought of her voice and a
blurry image of her face stored in my memory. Then finally, God answered
my prayers.
January 1st, 2003
I was playing the Sims Online one evening. I had my AIM on, but with an
away message. I played the Sims Online, and I suddenly grew bored, and
shut the game off to check my messages and there it was... her screen
name on the list of those who had instant messaged me. My heart began to
beat fast and I panicked, thinking she might have gone.
I hurriedly sent her an IM. "Is it really you??", I asked. "Yea", she
replied. It wasn't much of a reunion, but it was her. It was my chance
to apologize. To tell her what I wanted to tell her all those nights ago
when I called her house the last time. She then proceeded to ask me...
"Do you still love me?". I replied sincerely telling her I did, and I
needed to know if she did as well. She then told me... "Do you remember
when I promised you I would love you forever?". I told her yes. She then
told me, "I still do." I nearly cried upon reading what she had said. I
told her "omg, you don't know how long I've been waiting to hear those
words." I was sooo overjoyed to hear that she still cared for me as I
cared for her.
That was the beginning, I received my second chance, just as I had asked
God to give to me. It was a chance to change things around. A chance to
not take advantage. A chance to savor every moment I got to speak to her
on the phone, every second I got to speak to her online. That night I
went on and on to her about how much I'd missed her. How I took
advantage and didn't realize until now. How I knew how she felt when I
had doubted our love, now. How much I knew I needed her.
I had to make sure she understood! But I can't! It's impossible! She's
in North Carolina, I'm in New York City! How could I ever prove my love
to her? I went on talking to her, furiously typing, putting every
emotion I had into words. I was so scared of not being able to talk to
her, so scared of her not forgiving, so scared I had ruined everything
and lost her love, I just had to let it all out! Months and months of
grieving over her finally relieved in one night! I actually cried, me, a
man. I cried! The tears streamed down my eyes and into the pillow I laid
on as I spoke to her through my laptop.
That's when I began to realize the pain of it all! This huge load on my
back! This load which I'd be forced to carry for however long! Why!
"Why," I asked God. Why this torture? Why have two people fall in love,
and then hold them apart! She in NC, me in NY. It was a horrible thing.
A torture unlike any torture possible. Something even physical torture
could not compete with.
We both cried, and I eventually stopped... and let her call me. It was
late though, and I wasn't supposed to be talking to her anymore. So I
whispered.... just like the old days....
The nights we would spend lying in bed... whispering the sweetest things
you'll ever here to each other as time passed us by... falling asleep on
the phone together as if we were right there next to each other. There
was a time when we had trouble saying "I love you." on the phone, but
now it was something we couldn't stop. I love you was something we
repeated all the time.
I loved her, she loved me! A perfect match, a match made in heaven, if
you will. But why then? Why couldn't I hold her in my arms? Or kiss her?
Or look her in the eyes and say "I love you, Gabrielle."
I swear to you, there's nothing more painful than this. This feeling of
helplessness. Its like being tied down. So close, but oooh sooo far.
Well back to the story... yes. It was her, we were "together" again. But
only for a short time. She was in Virginia with her Aunt and was leaving
in two days. My Christmas vacation ended the day she left. She was gone
and suddenly it was back into reality. For those two days I was in an
emotional daze, but now... here I am. In school again. Friends giving
high fives and hand shakes hello, talking about whatever there was to
talk about. Tests, homework, getting up at 6 AM for school. It was all
back. Nothing had changed! Nobody cared, or understood. No one had the
capacity TO understand. They were all your average High Schoolers. Love
was the last thing anybody wanted to talk about.
So that was it. January passed by in a flash, February, poof. Then March
came. I looked through an old text file I had saved and found her
birthday, coincidentally that same month. It was March 22nd. I took
advantage of that, found out her address (she had been moving quite a
lot) from her Aunt in Virginia, and planned to send her a birthday card.
In the midst of writing the card, I received my first letter from her in
almost half a year. In it, she told me her birthday was coming up...
said she loved me. The usual things you would expect in a love letter, I
suppose.
I never did send that birthday card though... shortly later, she had her
friend in the new city she moved to, talk to me online. She'd tell me
she loved me through her friend, but she never got to go to her friend's
house to talk to me.
Shortly later, her friend told me what had happened. Gabrielle had had a
boyfriend. Dustin was his name. He was her friend's (the one who spoke
to me) older brother. Naturally, I was hurt. I felt like the "back up
guy." Her friend did tell me that Dustin had already broken up with her,
though. She said the first words outta Gabrielle's mouth were "At least
I still have Mike." She also told me she had carved my name into her
arm.
I was still hurt, but that wore away after a few hours... I couldn't
stay mad at her, because I would have done the same thing given the
chance. Go out with someone else, that is. Eventually she moved again,
back to the town she used to live in.
Early June, 2003
She made some new friends in school, and went to one of their houses.
This girl's name was Meagan. Meagan let her talk to me online. I was of
course, really glad to speak to her.. but she told me something that
night that made me a wreck for the week it would be before I spoke to
her again. She told me she had sex with Dustin.
I basically took it as.. ok... so it was a spur of the moment kinda
thing. It still hurt though. And every night I went to sleep, his name
and her having sex with him was on my mind.. preventing me to sleep for
at least an hour after getting into bed.
The next week I spoke to her again. She had come back to her friends
house and we spoke all night. Eventually she told me she had sex with
Dustin 8 times. That was a real low-blow. I was hurt for a long time,
but I had no choice but to forgive her, because I loved her, and made a
promise that I always would. Even if I hadn't promised her that, it was
inevitable. I couldn't be happy without her.
Some nights after that, on her second week staying at her friend's
house, she was really sad. She was crying hysterically. She asked if I
could call her and I normally would have said no, but I didn't want to
take advantage of the chance to hear her voice, so I did. We spoke for 3
hours. Crying together. Hearing her cry eventually just made me cry, and
hearing me cry made her cry even more. We talking about doing something
about the situation. She was crying, as was I, because she wanted me -
just as I wanted her. Just the chance to hold her hand even, would have
made me the happiest man alive. All we wanted was to be able to hold
each other in each other's arms and never let go. It's been almost year,
come next month on the 11th, and we still haven't been given the chance.
How could it be so hard, I asked her. Your really there, right there, in
NC. And I'm really here, right here, in NY. With a single word, our
parents could easily bring us together. With some effort and a huge
sacrifice, we could even bring each other teacher, maybe. Even still,
why can't things be easier??? Why can't we just have the chance to be
together, even for 5 minutes?? We both knew that this relationship was
tearing us apart, but there was nothing we could do about it. We were in
love. This love, like any true love, was an inseparable bond between us.
There was nothing either of us could do to escape its grasp.
After that night, a failed attempt at receiving permission from my
mother to go see her, and 2 weeks of talking to her all day and night,
she was gone once again. Forced to leave her friends house by her
father. We left with a vague and un-emotional "goodbye." I wanted to say
more. I wanted to beg her not go to, and tell her that I needed her! But
I didn't. I kept it to myself. I didn't want to make her or I any more
emotional that we needed to be at the time. So poof. The door shut next
to her screen name, the text that was her screen name became italic and
faded. She was gone again.
And that leads us to now. Our 1 year anniversary approaches and I
haven't spoken to her since. How I wish I could, though.
So that's my story. I'm Mike, from Brooklyn, NY. 14 years old, and
deeply in love with Gabrielle, from Roxboro, NC. 14 years old as well.
I'd do anything to be with her, even for a minute. But unfortunately,
I'll have to wait until I'm old enough to drive... or brave enough to
run away to her.
And there you go. That's the way things are, take it or leave it. I'd be
glad to speak to someone interested in my story at all. Someone
sympathetic, or maybe even someone with an idea on how her and I could
finally be together.
Thanks for your time, as I know this story is a long one. I hope you,
whoever may be reading, do not take advantage of your loved one, as
you're very lucky to have that special person right there by your side.
"Michael"
|
|
