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Choosing the only nickname that came to my mind, I entered as 'Candy'. I
had been listening to a girl named Mandy Moore that sings a song called
'Candy' earlier that day, i know this because I had seen her in concert
a few days earlier. Anyway, enough babbling.
As I was saying. I entered and just sat there watching the people for a
few minutes. After noticing that they were all hyper, I too, became
hyper. I began saying a few things when the chat slacked off a little &
soon became, well, I wasn't quite a "newbie" anymore, but I wasn't a
regular. I enjoyed being able to act crazy without being told "Sit down!
Stop jumping!" etc. I soon began coming everyday & being my usual
hyper-self. However, after about a month I got my own computer & began
doing an "all-nighter" along with one or two other people. One night I
was feeling pretty sad, I don't even remember about what right now, I
told this guy, we'll call him Jack, I told 'Jack' about why I was
feeling bad. His sense of humor cheered me up so much that I began
joking with him in the room as the months went on.
After about 3 or 4 months of just being our crazy idiot selves, we began
to flirt. I remember the first time he hinted that he liked me. I showed
him a picture of me with my best friend from a concert a few months
before "Wow." he said. "If you look hard enough you can see through your
shirt to your bikini top." I laughed & told him you were supposed to be
able to, It was summer, after all. He sent me a picture the following
night, & as ashamed to say it as I am, I didn't find him attractive.
"What's wrong with me?" I thought. "I'm judging the coolest guy I know
by his looks." I stopped going to the room for a few days, feeling
guilty from judging him by his looks.
After thinking about it non-stop, I realized something. I didn't care
about his looks. The only reason I had been shocked before was because
it wasn't how I had thought of him. I entered the room & casually
tackled people & hugged them, as is my usual entrance to the room. "What
happened? You haven't been here for a few days." said the owner of the
room. {Allow me to explain, the chatroom isn't an AOL chat room, it's on
a website. The link was found through AOL though.} that's when I
realized I had become a regular. 'Jack' msged me a few minutes later.
"Are you ok? I was worried about you. Are you sick?" "Nope. Just being
an idiot. I got over it though. Have you?" I teased. He laughed and
began joking & flirting with me again, then it happened. He started
talking to me about a girl he liked. I stared at the message and
realized something. I was falling for this guy. Not in love. But I liked
this guy. I didn't want him to like anyone but me. However, me, being
the idiot that I am, encouraged him to tell her.
Well, a few weeks later he told me he had told her. I was devastated but
didn't show it. I asked what she had said. "She has a boyfriend and
wants us to be only friends." I comforted him the next month or so,
until I had to go. "I'm going to Oklahoma for a week. Visiting a
friend." "Alright. See ya." was his reply. My heart dropped. I felt like
breaking down & sobbing, but didn't. I had wanted so much for him to say
he'd miss me, but he didn't. The whole week I was gone, my thoughts were
on him. Even when LFO {A popular pop group in the U.S.} was on stage, I
just thought of him. Then I realized it, on the plane ride home. I was
in love with him.
The very night I got home I signed online, to my surprise & delight he
was online. I IMed him. "It's midnight, what do you think you're doing
up on a school night?" I teased. "Hey! You're back! Come here!" he said,
sending me a link, of course I obeyed. It was a chat room for his radio
station & we began talking in their, while lurking in the other room. We
casually chatted for about an hour before I decided to tell him what I
felt. However, I'm still a chicken, so, i did what i do best. I mean, I
told him. But I guess telling him in a language he doesn't know doesn't
count?
Anyway, he used a translator and deciphered it as best he could. He IMed
me a few minutes after I left the room. "Katie," he said. "I sort of
translated what you said. And I get the general idea. but, for now,
we're just friends. Really Really Really good friends." My heart sunk,
but of course I couldn't let him know. "Jack, I was joking. You do know
how to do that, right? You didn't forget when I left? ;p" We talked for
a minute or two before I signed off because I was "tired." It wasn't a
lie, I was tired. But I also had to lay in my bed & cry myself to sleep.
After a few months I was dared to "seduce" him in IMs. He knew what i
was going to do, I mean, one of our mutual friends had dared me in the
room. He agreed to let me try it so, I began teasing him in IMs. "Hiiii
Jack. You're soo adorable. Oh, what I wouldn't give to let you know that
I've been in love with you since i don't know when." He laughed & played
along until the wee hours of the night. Finally at around 2 in the
morning I asked him what he would think if I told him that what i had
said was true. That i was in love with him. His reply "I don't know..."
I asked whether happy or sad, and he said happy. My heart soared right
then, but I was still a chicken. After a few minutes I managed to type
"Well, it was true. I am in love with you. I was on the plane ride home
when i realized it." I hit send then minimized the IM & switched the
screen back to the chat room, where a few of us were still hanging out.
I heard the IM sound but didn't open it. In the room Jack had hit me.
"Hey! check your IMs!" he said. "I'm too chicken!" I whined. But he
convinced me to look at it, so I did. "Hrmm. Well, that's great. Because
I feel the same." I couldn't believe it. I started giggling & crying. I
had to literally go over to my bed & scream into my pillow, I was so
happy.
However my happiness ended a few days later. I had gotten scared when he
IMed me "Can I talk to you...?" and had told my other friend that I had
been talking to in IMs "He's going to break up with me." After a few
minutes and him not IMing a few tears rolled down my cheeks. I knew what
was coming, but as long as he didn't say it I was fine. And then he did
IM. "I think we're better off as friends." The tears came steadily then.
I could hardly see the screen through the tears. "Ok. Fine with me. :) I
was actually going to tell you the same thing." Ok. So I lied. Big deal.
Jack told me that the only reason he told me that was because he was
happy that I felt that way about him. He explained that he had liked me
since the first time I had came into the room, back in December, but had
given up on me a few months ago when I left. He had moved on to someone
else.
And then the biggest heartbreak came. He told me he was in love with my
best friend. If I had been crying before, I could now fill the seas with
my tears. I lied from then on & even encouraged him to tell her how he
felt. They got together a week after he dumped me & have been together
for almost 8 months now.
I have known 'Jack' for almost two years now & I feel as strongly today
as I did over a year ago. I love him, with all my heart and soul. I
wondered after the breakup whether it had been true love & while surfing
a website, I found the answer. It was a page of quotes & one of them
said "If you'll let someone go to be with a better person, you're a good
person. If you let someone go to be with a better person, & that better
person is your best friend, you truly love them." And then I knew. I
truly love him. I have never told Jack, nor my best friend, how much I
hurt. To never have my feelings thought of by my best friend really
hurts me. To this day I still attend the same chat as him & recently my
friend began coming into the room too. It hurts a lot to see them
together, but I bear it. I truly love Jack, and if his happiness is
given to him from being with my best friend, then he will never know my
true feelings.
"Lacey"
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