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We stayed in contact almost constantly with everything from phone calls,
emails, and chatting on a daily basis. She asked me one day to send my
pic to her and I was almost afraid to do that because we seemed to be
getting along so well and I was afraid of not meeting the image in her
mind. Well, she absolutely loved my looks and said that she wanted to be
with me even more now. We started making plans for our first meeting and
the date of June 8 was decided upon.
I live in North Carolina and at the time, she lived north of Houston,
Texas (Willis). She came up with the idea of meeting in Tyler. She could
spend time with me while her sister kept her two young daughters nearby.
That way, she could spend time with her family, which she only saw once
in a while, and she could spend time with me. We already felt as though
we knew each other so well, even before the meeting. When I opened the
door to the hotel room that hot Sunday afternoon, I knew there and then,
that I was in love.
We spent a glorious week together doing everything from seeing movies,
going out to dinner, visiting the huge rose garden in Tyler, doing
things with her kids, and spending time together in my room. When the
week ended and we were saying our goodbyes, she told me that she loved
me and I told her that I had felt the same way for a while now. We were
so emotional and I was near tears as I drove away from Texas that day.
We stayed in constant contact and we would make plans every 2 or 3 weeks
to meet again. I would drive 18 hours, sometimes with only a short nap,
to meet her at her home in Willis. We would usually have 2 weeks to do
all kinds of fun stuff and we were so much in love. Parting was always
so very hard for both of us.
You should know that at this point, we
were both married to someone else. Her marriage was falling apart and in
the beginning of our relationship, her husband would come home from
Houston sometimes on the weekends and sometimes he wouldn't even bother.
He was living in an apartment and working in Houston. I was not happy at
home and I think that the problem was more with me than anything else. I
needed "T" and she appeared at a time in my life where I welcomed her
with open arms. We continued to have our meetings every few weeks
because we couldn't stand to be away from each other. Our phone
conversations would last for hours at a time and sometimes there would
be 3 or 4 conversations a day.
We made plans to be together and initially she was going to move here to
NC, but for some reason, she became afraid of my wife. We kept trying to
think of ways to work it out...we set a date of July 31 (1998) to be
together and when that fell through, we decided that it would happen by
the end of October. In August, against my wishes, she moved to Colorado.
I always felt that the least she could have done was move closer to NC,
if not actually in NC. I could tell that things were changing just by
the tone of her emails, even though she still professed her love for me.
I finally got her to confess that she was seeing someone else. Actually,
what I found out later was that she had joined a dating service. At this
point in our lives we both were 43 years old and I was soon to turn 44.
She was dating guys in their mid 50's because she told me that they were
safe. We went through all kinds of emotions with our relationship, but I
continued to hang in there. Finally, we agreed that I should come to
Colorado to live with her and I arrived the last week of October. It was
never easy though. I was out of my element. I didn't have my business (I
was self-employed) and I was trying to find some type of work in
television because that was my background.
Just before Thanksgiving we agreed that it wasn't working and I headed
back to NC. A few days later we were missing each other and again I
headed back to Colorado. I stayed through Christmas Day and then headed
back home, because she knew that I wanted to spend some time with my
daughter around Christmas and that was okay with her. Our relationship
deteriorated from that point on. First, she was disappointed when I did
not return by New Year's Eve. I had some business matters that had to be
attended to. I wanted to come back as soon as those were settled but she
was withdrawing and by mid January, she was dating again...much to my
disappointment.
I had to keep in mind that that was her way of dealing with her
pain...at least that is what she would tell me. I drove almost non-stop
to see her around January 20 and it was clear that she did not want to
go further with our relationship. She even had a date that she would not
cancel, even though I had driven so very far. Funny thing though...the
sex was always fantastic between us and we made love twice while I was
there. She even had me to stay over for the night, after her date had
left. Even then, we held onto each other tightly as if something from
outside was pulling us apart. I was an emotional wreck. I wanted so
badly for us to be okay, but I left Colorado the next day thinking that
I would never see her again. We said what I thought would be our last
good-byes.
Our love for each other had always been very intense and we both had
felt like we had found our soulmate in each other. I guess that
explains, to some extent, what happened next. I had already given up on
us and was dealing with the hurt when I received an email from her
saying that she missed me. A few days later, she called and we discussed
my coming back for one last try. She said that she was dealing with a
depression and she wanted me to come back again. I was elated but that
did not last long. When I arrived, I found someone who was just there in
person and who could not and would not reach out to me. She really made
no effort to make things right between us. I arrived a few days before
Valentine's Day and when it came, I tried to make that day very special
for her. She did nothing for me on Valentine's. It was that way for 10
days...me trying to get her to open up to me...and she was shutting me
out. We used to have sex 2 to 3 times a day and I think we may have made
love for a total of 4 or 5 times while I was there.
We finally ended it on a Friday evening (Feb. 19) during a time of great
frustration for both of us. I could see it coming, but I had hung in
there and given it everything I could. During the two years of this
relationship, I found out many things about "T", some of which were not
so great, but I found my love to far outweigh all of that and it never
has died yet. We both had a trust issue with each other and there were
other problems that we faced, but if I could do it all over again, I
would have left my home sooner to be with her or at least insisted that
she move here to be with me. Stretching everything out did not help us
at all. We both went through hell and we both made mistakes. We used to
be so obsessed with each other and now, those feelings were dying and I
felt so helpless.
It has now been three months since I last saw her face and I must tell
you that there are tears in my eyes even as I type this letter. My love
for her is still with me and probably always will be. We send each other
an email once in a while, just to stay in touch. For several weeks after
our break-up I tried to remind her of everything that we once meant to
each other and I would send her very detailed emails about what we had
endured and why we should remain together. Her depression is over now
and I believe that ending our relationship during that troubled time was
the biggest mistake that we ever made.
She is now dating a guy she met through
her dating service and the last that I heard, they are dating
exclusively. I think back through our rich history now and then...the
neat way we met on the internet (I was the first person she had ever
DCC'd as she was just learning about how to go online that night)...the
many emails we sent...the scenarios we did through email...the love
letters we mailed each other...the many hours we spent side by side and
in each other's loving arms...the fun we had together...the hours we
spent talking and enjoying our time with one another...and so much more.
There are times when I imagine that there are two "T"s and that I really
don't know the one that exists today because she did seem to change so
much. I find myself hoping that the old "T" will come back into my life
any day now. Even months later I still can't believe that it's over and
through my tears, I miss her and love her dearly.
"CJ"
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