So often I would just pick a name out of the hat on Yahoo search and talk to a complete stranger about the weather - as us Brits do best or the way to make their favourite cake, guys or girls. And one day I came across Him.

Now he wasn't God - far from it- at the beginning we discussed his home life and my own set up and the word ditto kept being used - it turned into a joke. I was often amazed at the hundreds of similarities and wondered whether I really was talking to this guy across the other side of the world because he was so similar to me. 

No that wasn't the reason, he criticised me and put me in my place - and actually said to me - well, that's a real dumb idea. I was so used to making decisions without any feedback. but we would discuss ideas as both of us were entrepreneurs on the side of our main jobs. It was only 6 months down the line when we both simultaneously realised that something deeper was happening but we were both petrified as hell! Was it that we were lonely? Well we both had family around us and friends, we both had just come out of relationships so it wasn't as if we were unattractive. We were both quietly flirting with each other. The emails weren't daily, they were just to check in on each other - we didn't complete each other but were compatible. 

I was said to be bright and bubbly and innocently fresh in his life - he brought a sense of patience and calm to mine - we argued, we rested, we shared ideas and helped each other with the other's business. Looking back as lovers do, we talked about little when we finally opened up - all the soppy stuff that both of us thought was unexpectedly coming out of our typing. We both were out of place. The involvement was madness. 

Two years later I broached the subject of meeting. We did - I stayed with friends in Delhi whilst he worked and we would meet up every evening to get to know each other. That was so difficult - I was shy - he was awkward even though we knew a mountain of details about each other. It took him 4 days for him to hold my hand - LOL. We spent a few days alone up in the Himalyas in silence which is what we enjoyed with each other - we didn't have to pretend, just be ourselves. OK, it was time away from reality and on the last night we gave each other a hug acknowledging that. It felt natural but I knew already that I probably wouldn't see him again, deep down.

I returned to my life here working away - I was off work from a car accident over 6 months. He hardly replied to my emails. I called and he admitted that marriage was not the idea. I agreed. I just wanted to get to know him with his silences. He made me make a decision 2 years after we had met. Yes we still had deep respect for each other - he hated that in every sense I was demanding but not with him. I always said I would take what he could give me. I could give him nothing but friendship being so far away. We both had elderly parents to think of. Over the time I think my emails didn't have the early smiling effect he said they used to - my best friend had moved on.

I don't blame him - I'm not the sort of person to incriminate a character to the end of the relationship. But he gave up on me. Sometimes I would suggest to meet him for a week and he would say - "You're crazy Anita! be realistic - you have to pay the bills and what about our parents?". Eventually I gave up also. He always called me the last optimist if the end of the world would come. I don't need to look at his picture of him by the river. It's tucked away somewhere, not even important where. I'm disappointed that after love he didn't value our friendship enough to stay in contact - maybe it was too painful - I know for me it was.

I don't think that there has been a day where I have not woken and muttered his name, LOL. I refuse to go to his city now. too many memories even though I have other friends there... but what I have learnt is that love sometimes isn't like in a fairy tale - a happy ever after even if you do seem to find the perfect match. I have grown so much and I know he has. We are both so much more cautious but more willing to enjoy what we have and I think that we both know that if we were really desperate we would be able to ask each other for help. 

I have moved on... well tried to. I just hope I can find love again.

"Anita"